


How to invite darkness for afternoon tea

by now_a_malec_writer



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Drama, Heartbreak, Hope, Lost - Freeform, M/M, Malec, Sad Story, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-12-06 19:30:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 27,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18224453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/now_a_malec_writer/pseuds/now_a_malec_writer
Summary: Alec is about to make the biggest decision of his life when tragedy hits him.But everything gets worse when he has to go through that all over again, day after day.What is happening to him? And, most importantly, can he make it stop and prevent this hurtful event?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, dear ones. 
> 
> Before you start reading this, it's important to be aware of the fact that I wrote this story as a way to deal with my depression and the loss of a close friend of mine. 
> 
> Meaning: THIS IS NOT A HAPPY STORY. I think it has funny moments and remarks, but IF YOU'RE HOPING FOR THE ULTIMATE MALEC HAPPY ENDING or if you can't handle seeing this couple going through some tough times, THIS STORY IS NOT FOR YOU and I strongly suggest you skip it. 
> 
> That's also why rude/disrespectful comments will not be tolerated. 
> 
> On the other hand, if you decide to proceed with the reading, you'll find a story about loss, faith and wonder; about finding the light among all the darkness. This is not an easy story to read, but it's one I'm most proud of. Also, I develop my own character for the first time in this, so let's see if you like it. 
> 
> Finally, this story gives us a first-person narrator ("the girl") and a third-person narrator. The chapters are separated in a way that you can see when the shift from one to another happens and don't get confused (hopefully). 
> 
> ***
> 
> Dedicated to Felipe, my eternal light.

Do you know what’s funny?

Every time one of you meet me, you always have that moment, that one particular moment of clarity, of understanding. A confirmation. 

And yet, you always ask me, the same question. 

“Who are you? Are you…”

“Yes, my child.”

Yes, child. 

Yes. 

I have many names, and I don’t have a name at all. A name is not essential here. You won’t stop me by calling me any name. You won’t stop me because I was here before all of you. I was at the beginning of creation; I am the dawn, I am the last light, I am in all of you. I am the first and, forever, I’ll be the last. 

I am all the darkness. I am all the salvation. (At least for some of you.)

I like talking. People don’t know that about me. I have excellent conversations with a few of you. Uh, I’m always excited when that happens. Me being there is part of this whole… experience, you might call. So, the least you all could do is to enjoy my presence, make it pleasurable for both of us. 

After all, I’m not going anywhere. You are. 

Most people just cry or scream; it’s deplorable to watch. That always bored me. 

But sometimes, oh, sometimes, sometimes I get why you exist. It all makes sense. A glimpse into the greatness. You even make me laugh. I sit, and you sit, and it’s tranquil and quiet, and calm, and we enjoy what we can share and exchange. 

I walk among you, among this concrete, this dry and rotten land, among the lack of water and emptiness of hope, just walking. Walking and collecting. Walking and taking back. Walking and lamenting all the missed opportunities that you all left behind. But sometimes… Sometimes one of you invites me for tea. And I stay a little longer than I should. 

Other times, I see those who are already gone in life. Some of you are just waiting. You’re calling me; you’re praying for my visit. Trust me, child, I can hear you. I hear all of your words because I collect them too. I collect all you have to give. 

Sadly, some of you have nothing inside to share. I can smell it. You all smell different. However, sometimes some of you smell the same. I just have to be still, pay attention for a moment, not even a second, and I can track it. That smell.

Funny. 

Even then things still can turn around, I guess. That perfume of life is everywhere. 

Just as I am. 

Sorry. I'm just rambling back there, sorry about that. I get distracted very easily. 

You know how boring this can be.

People are not very creative when they meet me, as I said before, look, I’m repeating myself. 

Anyway.

I’m about to tell you a tale of something that happened to me a while back. Or was it a second ago? It’s pointless to try to give you that precise information. I can change it. I can control it. I control the time and the fabric of life itself. It’s like I’m knitting it, and, oops, time to unroll that. Everything is gone. 

Everything is always gone. 

I’m always alone. 

What I do no one can do it for me. Or with me. No matter how many times I ask for someone. They never stay. 

So, when I have the chance to keep someone around a little longer, I always take it. I can do that; there are no norms, no forms to fill. It’s just me and my duty. And you. 

It’s funny how you always try to rationalize me or, in the opposite direction, fantasize about me. Remember the Egyptians and all that crap about the final trial and that feather weighted against your heart? 

All bullshit. 

Who wants to do all that? Who wants to go through all this trouble? I’m busy. 

I just talk. 

Like now. Relax, we’re just talking. Aren’t you having fun?

As I was saying, sorry, I get distracted easily, sometimes I find some interesting people. Sometimes we even play games. 

I love those. Mainly because in the end, at the very end, I always win. 

Yes, I’m smiling, I’m vain. Is that a sin? What will you do about it?

See. 

I’m already winning again.

But yes, I’ll tell you a little tale. A tale of some of the great people I met along the way. I remember this one case that was… interesting. I made a friend. We played a game. We talked. We get to know each other - on a few occasions I stick around to see you, observe you, try to understand you. Until now, I never succeed. 

Anyway, It was almost sad eventually. It was a challenge. You smart little souls. 

But It was fun. 

It was mostly fun. 

Because, as always, in the end, I won.


	2. Night #1

It was a sunny morning. Ray of lights where hitting Alec’s face and Magnus’ back. Alec turned to his boyfriend looking for a comfortable position, ignoring the time. 

He wasn’t late or anything, what else did he have to do today?

Absolutely nothing. (That’s not entirely true, is it, Alec?)

Magnus, on the other hand, would be late pretty soon unless he left their bed now. 

Now, Magnus. 

He ignored that too. Being around Alec was always better. Magnus was almost snoring again, an indication that Alec really must help him get up. 

“It’s late, dear.”  
“Hsrkgnef”  
“Get up.”  
“No.”  
“Suit yourself; I’m not the one working in a big ass office and wanting a promotion.”  
“Grrrrr.”

Defeated, Magnus slowly and with difficulty opened his eyes and turned to see Alec. A small and quick kiss (nothing major happens before brushing the teeth, you know?) at his man and Magnus was now in the bathroom, getting ready and trying to come back to human form again. Alec slid himself to the place that Magnus’ massive body occupied a few seconds ago in the bed, still warm and smelling like him. 

Their bedroom, like the rest of the apartment, wasn’t enormous. The bed at the center, a huge picture hung above it, of a blurry bee (which was funny, since their place was full of pics, but that was the only one in their bedroom). A closet on their right, next to the bathroom. Everything was organized-ish, but it had the essential element - a feeling of home. 

Alec's phone rang in the nightstand near him. Alec made an effort to pick it up. 

“Hmm?”  
“Alec?”  
“Hey, Iz.”  
“Sorry to call you so early, is he there or can we talk?”  
“He’s in the shower.”  
“Oh, so I’ll check in with you later.”  
“Thanks.”  
“Hey.”  
“Hmm?”  
“Are you excited?”

He was. He had a massive smile on his face just imagining everything. He was predicting out of control happiness for that night. Everything was already planned out, but he needed to do a few last things, like picking up his outfit and the ring. 

Alec always imagined he would have all that. The person. The dreams. Happiness. And he was sure it was the same for Magnus. Time couldn’t go fast enough now. He was bliss and joy. 

And there was the fact that he had to hid all that from Magnus, the most challenging task in the world. Magnus was like a hawk; he knew things. Alec had the impression, occasionally, that his boyfriend had some knowledge and wisdom beyond usual standards. Maybe that's the effect of love on you: you see that person with an invisible halo above their head, and everything they do is just magical and powerful. 

“Alec, are you there?”  
“Sorry, Izy, yeah, I’m-”  
“Your silence already answered my question.”  
Alec smiled again. 

“Iz, he’s getting out of the shower, I’ll call you later, okay?”  
“Ok, big bro. Love you.”  
“Love you too.”  
“And Alec?”  
“Yeah?”  
“I’m really proud of you.”

Talking about a stressful day, ufff.

Alec was running around like crazy to get everything done. He met with Izzy in the afternoon, so she could approve the clothes he chose to wear that night. 

“Really? Where’s your tux? This is so ordinary!”  
“Izzy, I don’t want him to suspect anything. I can’t be all dress up.”  
“Alec, you’re a photographer. You are as cheap as a person can get. And you’re taking him out to dinner. He’s not stupid.”  
“I’ll ignore all that. Do I look good?”  
“Well, I would never say yes to a guy dress the way you’re now, but Magnus is completely oblivious to your flaws, so…”  
“Jeez, thanks, Izzy.”  
“I’m here to help; you know that.”

They went together to the jewelry shop to get the ring, a beautiful golden piece with a silver embossed pattern, representing the couple. 

“There’s no way he says no, right?”, Alec asked inside the store, the ring in a velvet tray in front of them, shining the future. 

Izzy couldn’t answer, she saw the ring and cried. 

Alec was so proud of himself. He went home, to get ready - he was meeting Magnus at the restaurant -, but promise to call Izzy just after the proposal, to tell her how everything went. 

He got home, the place they shared for the past three years, all the memories of their relationship everywhere, making him more excited. He couldn’t possibly imagine what new experiences they would share from now on. He was eager to put them on the wall, along with the other photos he took of them and their family. 

He took a shower; he tried to calm down. Useless. He knew tonight everything would change. 

He was right. 

***

Alec was there earlier than Magnus, which never happened before. Not even on their first date. When Magnus saw his boyfriend, inside the restaurant, waiting for him, he knew something was up. It wasn’t the clothes (Alec was wearing all black, as always, but the clothes seemed new ones, not frayed like they used to be), or the fancy place Alec chose for the occasion, or Alec’s behavior; it was the simple fact that he was there. Alec was there, and Magnus knew. Immediately. 

He knew a lot of things immediately. 

He went closer to Alec and kissed him as soon as Alec got up to greet him. Magnus was secretly proud. Unlike Alec, for a long time, he never thought that would happen. He decided to enjoy it. 

They talked, Alec chose the menu for the night, for both of them, and an expensive bottle of wine to go with everything. The lamb was divine, melting like butter. Magnus ate the dessert with some caution, but there was no ring there. Hmmm. 

Suddenly, Alec started talking, already overwhelmed with emotions. 

“I think you think you know why I brought you here tonight, am I right?”  
“I don’t know”, Magnus answered a bit amused.   
“Well, I brought you here because of a simple reason: because I love you, Magnus. And you know how that was a dream for me - to love someone -, something that I always desired, but I never thought I could be this lucky to find someone like you. I know you were not the most open person at first and man, you were a handful to deal at the beginning-”  
“Is this really what you want to say to me right now?”  
“Shh. Yes, since that’s the truth. You were hard to get. But I understood why. The best things in life don’t come easy, so it only makes sense. And you decided to give us a chance, and I’m thankful for that forever. I’m so thankful that I want to spend my life showing you just how much. You make me a better person, Magnus Bane, a happier person, and I’ll try everything in my power to make you feel the same way.”

Alec left his chair and kneeled, showing the ring he kept hidden in his pants’ pocket. 

Magnus started crying. 

“Magnus Bane, would you give me the honor of marrying me?”

Alec was crying too. 

Magnus only shook his head. For once, he was speechless. 

Alec got up, to place the ring in the hand of its rightful owner. Magnus got up as well, and they kissed; the whole restaurant was clapping and cheering. It was one of those moments when you feel love will win everything. 

When they were out of the place, that, by the way, let them go without paying for the meal, they were both in cloud nine. 

They decided to walk home, to enjoy the moment.

They were about to cross the street when Magnus, looking at his ring, told Alec: “I think I will never be as happy as I am now.”  
“Of course you will, we’re just starting, Mags. Oh, I gotta call Izzy, I promised her.”

And they started crossing the street. 

Magnus said, in a low voice: “No, I don't think I will.”

Everything from that moment happened super fast like someone just had speed up the time. Alec couldn’t reach for his phone, so he let go of Magnus’ hand to grab it and call Izzy. Magnus was looking at Alec, the sign changed, the cab coming into their direction was being robbed, the driver was desperate, the car was now coming faster their way, out of control, Magnus was hit, Magnus was on the floor, the car was gone, blood was spilling out of Magnus’ body, Alec went from heaven to hell, he screamed, he asked for Magnus not to leave him, what was happening?, someone help, anyone, a nightmare, no, stop. 

Stop.

And it did. 

Magnus’ heart stop. 

That was the night that, a few minutes after the accident, inside the ambulance, next to Alec, his fiancè, Magnus Bane died.


	3. A cycle has no beginning and no end

Alec woke up, desperate.

He didn’t remember much of what happened, but he was sure he had lost Magnus. The sorrow he was feeling was too real not to be true.

But despite all that, Magnus was there, sleeping next to him, another sunny day. He started crying desperately, and he held Magnus, to make sure he was real, and everything was just an awful dream. Maybe he was so nervous about the proposal he imagined the whole day ahead.

Magnus woke up scared.

“Hey, what happened? Is everything okay?”  
“Uhum. I just... I had a bad dream.”  
“Oh. Hey, it’s okay, babe, I’m here.”  
“I know.”

Magnus dried Alec’s face with his thumbs and comforted him for a while, before heading to the shower.

Alec’s phone rang just before Magnus left the bed.  
“Hmm?”  
“Alec?”  
“Hey, Iz.”  
“Sorry to call you so early, is... Wait, are you okay?”  
“Yeah, just a bad dream.”  
“Hmmm. Are you nervous?”  
“No. It’s that. I don’t know; actually, everything felt so real.”  
“Don’t worry, big bro; everything will be great. He’ll say yes, and you’ll continue to be the most disgusting in love couple I know.”  
“Thanks, Iz, that was… almost nice.”  
She laughed.  
“You know I love you, right, Alec?”  
“Yes, I love you, too. Oh, he’s getting out of the shower, I’ll call you later.”  
“Ok. Oh, and Alec?”  
“Yeah?”  
“I’m really proud of you.”

She hung up; Alec left the bed to make breakfast. She was right; everything would be fine.  
Magnus was ready to head to work; he said his goodbye and Alec started freaking out immediately, thinking about tonight.

In the afternoon, he met Izzy at a clothing store, the dream long gone by now.

“Really? Where’s your tux? This is so ordinary!”, she said disappointed looking at his black pair of jeans and a black sweater.  
“Izzy, I don’t want him to suspect anything. I can’t be all dress up.”  
“Alec, you’re a photographer. You are as cheap as a person can get. And you’re taking him out to dinner. He’s not stupid.”  
Alec had a funny feeling.  
“I’ll ignore all that. Do I look good?”  
“Well, I would never say yes to a guy dress the way you’re now, but Magnus is completely oblivious to your flaws, so…”  
“Jeez, thanks, Izzy.”  
“I’m here to help; you know that.”

They went together to the jewelry shop to get the ring, a beautiful golden piece with a silver embossed pattern, representing the couple.

“There’s no way he says no, right?”, Alec asked inside the store, the ring in a velvet tray in front of them, shining the future.

Izzy couldn’t answer, she saw the ring and cried. That was all the confirmation he needed.

At night, after going home to get ready, he was at the restaurant earlier, waiting for Magnus to arrive. His man was there not long after him, an impressed expression on his face since Alec was there early then him. This was serious. Or Alec was dying, or he was, I don’t know, proposing? Hahaha... haha... ha. Oh.

OH.

Realization.

Magnus stepped forward, decisive steps. He reached for their table; Alec greeted him. They sat, Alec ordered everything. They had their hands interlaced on top of the table the whole time. Food arrived, it was terrific. That restaurant had well-deserved fame; the meat seemed unreal. The wine was also good, Magnus was excited.

The dessert was there next, and Magnus was eating the chocolate cake with cream cautiously, afraid to bite the ring. Nothing.

Hmmm. Was he misunderstanding this whole night?

He wasn’t. Alec started a beautiful speech about love and how Magnus was “hard to get” (excuse me?), and suddenly the man was kneeling in front of him, a ring in hand, damn, that was a beautiful ring, yes, yes, he couldn’t say a word, he was so emotional, it happened, they were set for life now.

Yes.

The restaurant applauded them; it was lovely. One of those moments, you know?

They were out, and Alec decided to walk home. When they were about to cross the street, he decided to wait. Just in case. “Let me get my phone to call Izzy first”, he said. “Okay”, Magnus replied. They were in the sidewalk, Alec was reaching for his phone, a flat tired, a car out of control, it was all fast, Magnus pushed him out of the way, the car coming in their direction, Magnus on the floor, far from Alec, the cell phone flew somewhere else, Alec out of reach.

It happened.

Somehow Magnus was hit.

And now he was dead again.

***

Alec woke up. He wasn’t sure anymore. Can you dream about the same thing over and over? He was crying again. He sat and started crying and sobbing. Magnus - that was there next to him in bed - woke up and held him immediately, not even asking what the problem was.

It was so damn real, so intense. But at the same time, it couldn’t be because Magnus was there. With him. Holding and reassuring him. Everything is fine. Alec, maybe you are really nervous about it, right?

Magnus had to take a shower, or he would be late for work. He kissed Alec deeply (violating his brushing teeth rule) and went to the bathroom. Alec’s phone rang.

“Alec?”  
“Hey, Iz.”  
“Sorry to call you so early, is he there or can we talk?”  
“He’s in the-.”

Alec had a bad feeling. That conversation started exactly like in the dream he had. Both times.

“Izzy… will you say that you’re proud of me?”  
“Well, but I am, I-”  
“I gotta go.”  
“But Alec, I…”

And the man jumped out of bed and went straight to the shower, to meet soapy Magnus there and have some quality time together. Magnus was super late for work, but he didn’t complain.

When he left, Alec was not feeling better.

In the afternoon, he met Izzy, and they went to pick up his clothes and the ring.

“Really? Where’s your tux? This is so ordinary!”  
“You know what? Let’s… Forget the outfit; it’s not important. In fact, let’s get the ring, and I’ll go home. I need to change my reservations for tonight.”  
“Why? That restaurant is perfect. Magnus always talks about it and-”  
“I know, but, I have a feeling. I need to find some other place.”  
“Hmmm, okay. You’re acting weird, are you okay?”  
“Sure.”

They got the ring, Izzy cried, Alec was freaking out even more. But crying knowing your brother was getting engaged was normal, no? That couldn’t be a sign of anything.

Right.

He went home and found this little Italian restaurant with “the real Italian pasta”, managing to get a reservation for two. Alec took a shower but chose different clothes, a bright yellow buttoned shirt Jace gave him as a prank a few Christmas back. He texted Magnus about the new address they should meet.

When he saw Magnus entering the place (that seemed to be so much more appropriate for this, little candles lighting up the space), Alec forgot all his worries. Magnus was in his regular suit, a purple one, and still, he seemed gorgeous. Alec wondered if that was an indication of how the rest of his life was going to be: just be dazzled by Magnus’ presence daily.

They greeted each other, had fantastic pasta, talked.

But Alec did differently this time. He asked the waiter to place the ring in a glass of champagne. As soon as their special drinks arrived at the table, Magnus started crying. Alec was so full of love again; it was everything he wanted.

He told Magnus about love, happiness, trust, a life he wanted to build together. About surrender. It was everything Magus wanted to hear is his life. He was blissful and thankful.

They left the restaurant, and Alec asked for a cab.

He was so happy. That dream was long gone, and he was heading to the beginning of their lives.

But something went wrong. The cab driver ignored the red light, and a truck hit them. It got Magnus, who was seated on the right side of the back seat. The truck demolished half of the vehicle. Magnus never had a chance.

He died, once again.

***

Alec woke up, desperate. And once again, despite his tears, Magnus was there. What the fuck was happening?

He got out of bed; he was shaking, sure he was losing it. Magnus was sleeping, unaware of everything going through Alec’s mind. Was he going mad? Was he so nervous about this proposal he had those awful nightmares? Because that’s the only explanation, right? A really really long, neverending nightmare, that always begins the same way. And, worst, always ends the same way too.

His phone rang, next to their bed. He was in the living room, too afraid to pick it up.

Magnus finally woke up, picking up the phone.

“Hey, morning. Hummm”, Magnus said looking around for Alec, why wasn’t he sleeping?, "Wait. Alec!”  
From the living room, he heard a response: “Tell Izzy I’ll call her later.”

Magnus did, hang up and got up to talk to Alec:

“How did you know it was Izzy?”  
“I just… did. Take your shower; you’ll be late. I have something to do now; I’ll talk to you later, okay?”  
“Are you okay?”, Magnus asked, preoccupied since Alec never left the bed before Magnus did.  
“Yes. I just have something to do”, Alec replied, trying to remain calm.  
“Okay. We’ll talk later, I guess”, and Magnus kissed him, briefly. “Love you”, and he went to the bathroom.  
Alec had tears in his eyes when he replied: “Love you, too.”

He was still in his pajamas, only adding a pair of tennis and a big coat to that when he left their apartment.

He decided to walk, feeling the cold air of the morning to hit his face.

Alec was definitely sick. He was lost. A mess. He was sure something was wrong, Magnus died. Magnus died three times already, in front of him, he knew that because the pain he felt couldn’t be a product of his imagination. The first time, he held Magnus’ body in his arms, he felt the man dying, he asked, he begged for that to stop, for Magnus to come back, to fight. It was all in vain.

The second time was basically the same, like a confirmation of the first. But instead of helping Magnus, he was slapping himself in the face in the middle of the street; he needed to wake up, he needed this to stop. He couldn’t see Magnus on the sidewalk like that.

The third time, he didn’t have the chance to say anything. It was worse. He saw the truck coming close to them, and there was nothing to be done. Magnus was gone so fast, so quickly. Alec tried to grab his fiancè’s hand before the impact, but he couldn’t, the truck hit them at full speed. Everything vanished.

Maybe…

Maybe it was the proposal. Perhaps Alec shouldn’t do it. He was probably panicking and projecting all his fears of being rejected (why?) in the idea of Magnus’ dying, right?  
Yeah, so let’s try that. Let’s not propose tonight. Tomorrow, perhaps. Tomorrow would be good too.

He went back home almost an hour later. He called Izzy and said he would do it tomorrow. She yelled at him. “Are you scared, Alec?”

Under the circumstances, he was terrified. For his own reasons. He was afraid his proposal was making Magnus die. That was ridiculous!

(Was it?)

He decided to postpone his plans anyway. What was one day in the face of a lifetime together? He texted Magnus, that only replied asking if he should get food for them on his way home.

 

Alec was at home all day, waiting for Magnus. Nervous, just waiting. Hoping. Begging. “Just be here, Magnus, just come back to me, Magnus”.

But Magnus never came back home.

Alec knew why.

***

Alec woke up, the same thing. Magnus was there. The sun was shining. The phone, Magnus’ shower.

Everything was beginning precisely the same. Meaning only one thing: in one way or the other, Magnus would die.

Oh, fuck.

Why was he dying? And why was Alec living that fucking atrocious day repeatedly? Why?

Why?

He couldn’t get an answer. He was feeling nauseated. He ran to the bathroom and threw up.  
“Are you sick?”, Magnus asked while getting ready, putting on his suit.  
“Mags”, Alec said sitting on the mattress. “Can’t you skip work today?  
“What? Why? Are you really sick? Do you want me to take care of you?”  
“Hmm, yes. Yes, I would like that. Can you do it?”  
“Let me make a few phone calls; I’ll see what I can do.”

After a few minutes, Magnus was back to their bedroom, taking off his fancy clothes.  
“Okay, let’s take care of you, Mister”, he said to Alec, making his boyfriend to go back under the covers.

They had breakfast in bed, together. Magnus made eggs with toasts and orange juice for both of them. Alec tried to enjoy it as much as possible, but he still had that bitter taste in his mouth, no matter what.

Even claiming to be sick, he managed to have sex with Magnus in the afternoon, enjoying the hot summer breeze that was coming through the open window. He collapsed shortly after, embracing Magnus as much as he could.

Alec fell asleep, facing an empty bed when he woke up. Magnus was not there. He panicked. Crap, he should have stayed awake. He was nervous. A note was on top of Magnus’ pillow.

“Went to get food. brb.  
Love you.”

He was calling Magnus desperately, like his boyfriend’s life depended on that.

Because it did.

He was hoping to avoid any chance of Magnus to go out, to get exposed to… whatever was happening.

He grabbed his phone desperately, calling Magnus. Over and over. Calling and getting no answer back. Magnus, damn it, pick up the phone, crap.

Nothing. Hours later, Alec got a phone call from the hospital.

Alec was just desperation at this point. It was the same thing all over again.

Magnus was not there.

***

Every day was the same. Some people ask for that in their life, that nothing changes, that everything remains as they know. No surprises, no distractions, nothing unpredictable.

Alec was not one of those people, and frankly, this was beyond that by far.

This situation was like him being imprisoned, trapped in an infernal loop that became his life.

He was trying different changes, variations to see if they would bring a new outcome.

Some days he woke up and proposed to Magnus immediately, even without the ring, making the man cry and giving him hope. Those are awful.

Other days he barely spoke to Magnus at all, but the result was still the same.

Showing up at his boyfriend’s work, proposing in front of the Lightwood  family (that was so so terrible, Magnus died in front of all of them, a big shock, especially to Izzy, who got really attached to Magnus over the years), not proposing, proposing at home, in the shower, it didn’t matter.

He could never rewrite the end of that day. And worst, he could never wake up to a new one.

It was affecting him.

Sometimes he was happy to see Magnus, getting another chance to spend some time with him. But other times, he was bitter, resentful. He was almost feeling a sort of hate towards the man. He loved Magnus, but that was so hard. He kept losing him endlessly, and Magnus couldn’t do anything to help. Every sunny morning was a reminder of all the chances and possibilities that were now out of the table. There were not real anymore. He was stuck, and he was miserable.

He tried to talk to Izzy about it once, but she thought he was making fun of her.

Do you know what was the saddest part of all this for Alec?

Some days he knew about Magnus through a phone call, or he saw it, happening in front of him, and honestly… He hasn’t had the strength to cry anymore. He went numb. What was the point, right? It was all going to happen again as soon as he woke up.

That’s why one night, after hearing of Magnus again, gosh, who much can a person take?, he decided to end this.

He went to the rooftop of the building that used to be his home and was now his prison, to end his life there.

 


	4. Unavoidable

I remember the first night I met Alexander Lightwood, age: 29. 

I was expecting that already. 

For him, all days and nights were the same; endless and heartbroken repetition of grief and loss. He was done with this whole thing. He was crying and feeling so alone, stuck in this forever. He saw no other way out. He went to the rooftop of his building. He was ready to jump from there. 

He was on the edge of the building. 

“It’s not gonna help”, I told him. 

He was scared for a minute. I mean, not that it would affect me, I saw a lot of scared people before. And I still do. I’m seeing them now, as I talk to you. I’m collecting. 

I’m here, but I’m everywhere. The old lady left behind by her family, the abusive father, the war veteran, the innocent child that got beat up so much by his mom, the couple that lived a happy life, the infant, the sweet teacher, the officer, the businessman. 

You think you can escape me. 

Fool not yourself, my child.

I’m collecting. Thousands of you. 

“Sorry?”, the man said to me from that edge, his body shaking. “Isn't too late for a little girl like you to be awake?”

That’s always the fun part. How you see me. It always changes. And please, I don’t walk around with a sickle, I like having my hands free just like every one of you, thank you very much. My hands are always occupied already. Busy. 

Do you know when it was hectic? Fourteenth century in Europe. I hardly talked to any of you; it was all so fast, we were in a hurry, so much to collect. I thought this land would be empty, inhabited for long. The plague was unmerciful. 

Oh, America. South America, Central America. Sixteenth century. That was another exciting period. Native souls, so different, so many. So many, so so many. A slaughter, really. 

Oh, I’m losing track of the story again, sorry. I get distracted. So many memories. As I was saying, you’re the ones that decide how I should look like. Right, so. For some is a loving memory of someone already gone, for some is that stereotypical image of me (the hoodie and all); for some, is a random person, young or old, it doesn’t matter. In essence, I'm always the same. 

For Alexander Lightwood, I was this little girl in a red, heavy coat, and a fluffy and cute ballet skirt. Not my best look, to be honest. But sure, I had worse. He pointed out how young I was, and that made me laugh. That always makes me laugh. The humor of the situation is more than I can take, sometimes. 

“Oh, aren’t you adorable, my child?”, I said to him. 

Alexander Lightwood looked at me without understanding a thing. But he never asked me how did I end up there. Curious. 

“Where are your parents? Go back to them, go home.”  
“I could say the same thing to you, Alexander Lightwood.”  
“How do you know my name?”  
“I know many things.”

The wind was a bit cold, my tutu skirt was shaking against it, just like my black hair. But the man in front of me did not move. There was silence, and he was analyzing me, not sure of the events happening in front of him. He was barefoot, an interesting touch, I thought. 

“I’m just… I… I can’t take this anymore.”

No explanation, that was all he said. But I know you all, I can see through you, inside you. I’m always there. I saw many faces before; I know all of your stories. 

“It won’t change anything”, I assure him. A truth. 

I do not lie. There’s no need in my field of action.

He had more tears in his eyes, now falling down his face. 

"You’re not smelling like the others”, I told him. 

He didn’t get what I said. That happens a lot too. I have this ongoing conversation with humanity, built upon the words of so many individuals that came prior, of many that will come later. You are always giving a little addition to that exchange, bits, and bits here and there. I know all the words, I’m the only one who can read the whole book. You just added your own little paragraph. The story continues. 

(Well, The Boss can read it too, sure, but He’s always busy, doing He knows what, so… You’re all stuck with me, I guess.)

But true to be told, Alexander Lightwood was not smelling like others. He seemed to be frustrated and tired, but still wanting answers. A shortcut wouldn’t help him get there. That was not the plan. 

“The plan”. 

“Come”, I said, walking towards him, offering my hand. He grabbed it, eagerly, and was not standing on the edge of the rooftop anymore; he was sitting next to me, on the floor, his legs crossed. 

“You do have long legs”, I pointed out. I gave him a smile when he faced me. 

It’s difficult talking about serious topics sounding like a 10-year-old. 

“I’m…” and he started crying again.   
“I know, child. But it won’t change anything.”  
“Why not? Why you keep saying that?”  
“Because you’re fighting against what can’t be stopped or interrupted.”

Honestly, why you all keep doing that? 

“But it needs to stop, all of this. I can’t take it anymore.”  
“And somehow, you people always do.”

Alexander Lightwood gave me a weird look. 

“You people? Who the hell are you?”

I smiled at him. The confusion was a familiar thing for me to face over time. 

“I will meet you again several times, Alexander Lightwood, because you’re stubborn and won’t listen to me, but also because you’re human and it is a trace of the human heart to be hopeless and vague of what comes ahead, preferring to hide and avoid the pain of existence. I will appear only when hope is on the verge of failing. You know, so many times I heard people asking me ‘what’s the meaning of life?’ and there is none. But at the same time, ‘the meaning of life is life itself’”.  
“Is that a quote? Are you giving me that crap right now, seriously? Why am I listening to that bullshit from a little girl that I have no idea how got here in the first place?”  
“You don’t have to be rude. And I was quoting myself, may I add. You’re not listening to me.”

(That was my quote, if people are using it, they’re lying about it, FYI.)

“How can I? You gave me that self-help crap, I was about to…”

And he stopped talking. 

“I’m hungry”, I said.   
“What?”  
“Don’t you have anything to eat? I’m hungry.”  
“Are you kidding me?”  
“No. Do you have Coke?”

Really, I drink that any chance I get. Unlike you, it won’t hurt me. I like the bubbles. 

Alexander Lightwood got up, offered his hand and took me off the floor. 

“Come on; maybe I have some eggs. After that, I will take you to your parents.”

He took me to his apartment; it was cozy. A lot of pictures of himself and Magnus Bane in the walls, filling the space. The kitchen was in the same area as the living room, a small bench separating them. He placed me on the couch while he went to the fridge, to get some eggs. He only had water to drink, a disappointment. 

He made me an omelet. We ate together, in silence. He was caring in his actions, asking me if it was good; if I wanted more…

I saw why Magnus Bane loved him.

Love is something that’s always tricky to understand, but sometimes I could see a glimpse of it, through actions, through a loving gaze, a tear, the tone of voice, the touch of a hand. It’s all in those details. They are the spice of everything. 

That night, sharing a few moments with Alexander, I understood that a little more.


	5. Can you let go of me?

When Alec woke up that morning, well, I guess you know what he saw. 

He got up quickly, the little girl was gone. The door was locked on the inside, how did she escape? The living room window was locked too. 

Great, another weird thing to add to the list. Magnus woke up, looking for Alec. The man was sitting on the couch, confused. 

“Hey, are you okay?”, Magnus asked, intrigued, “You never get up earlier than me.”  
“Yeah, I know, I’m just… Nothing. Go take your shower, I’ll talk to Izzy.”  
“Izzy? Why?”

The phone rang. 

“Because she’s calling me.”  
“How did you know that?”  
“Lucky guess”, and Alec smiled and talked to Izzy, like he didn’t do for a long time. 

He was excited for once. That girl clearly meant something. She, I don’t know, could help him, no? Maybe she knew what was going on. He needed to see her again. 

Alec waited for Magnus to go to work and he went back to the rooftop. It was empty. 

Okay, he knew what he had to do. 

He stepped on the edge again. Barefoot and in his pajamas. And he waited. 

Morning turned into afternoon, he got home to eat a sandwich, he was back. And he stood there. The sun was high, hurting his eyes and gluing his clothes to his body. He was sweating. Nothing.

It was nightfall, it was getting a bit colder, a light breeze surrounded him. He was tired and his legs were sore. He was hungry. Another sandwich and he was back once more. 

Finally, he realized he was alone and she wasn’t going to make an appearance. Can you ‘lose it’ more after ‘losing it’ for the first time?

He wasn’t sure. Probably. 

But he decided to not go back home. He was there, at the rooftop, enjoying the night as much as possible. He wasn’t at the edge anymore, but laying on the floor, staring the stars. That night, for the first time, he never heard of Magnus - no hospital, no Izzy screaming, no news. He left his cell phone in their apartment. It was like it never happened at all. 

He almost slept for real in weeks. 

***

Alec woke up, same thing. 

Hmm, not exactly the same, he was feeling guilty. 

He missed Magnus every day, but he was also so done with all this. He was tired of not having a life anymore. Was this limbo or something? You get to… nowhere? You’re just, you know, “existing”?

That afternoon, he ditched Izzy and went to see his mom. Maryse Lightwood was a kind and candid woman that always understood and supported her kids. Alec never had to “come out” to her. She walked in his room one day, he was a teenager at the time, and she talked to him, asking if he was gay, which he confirmed. She held him saying it was okay and there was no reason to cry. 

“Being unhappy or shameful is a reason to cry, and you’re neither of those, my son.”

That was it. 

She met a few of Alec’s flings, nothing serious. She was head over heels when she met Magnus. He wasn’t super open with her at first, and God only knows the struggle it was for Magnus to accept the dinner at her house. Alec had to insist for months. 

The first time it was a bit awkward, Magnus wasn’t very talkative. He was testing the waters. Maryse tried again, inviting them over and over because she knew how happy Alec was with Magnus by his side. It was a constant effort, but finally, Magnus gave in and started to feel comfortable around everybody. He was a loner, having a family around was something he wasn’t used to anymore. 

He liked Maryse, and they had fun together, a lot of times at Alec’s expense. But they developed their relationship, talking about all sorts of things. When he was visiting, he helped her cook. 

Alec knew his mom was a very understanding person. He needed to give this a try. 

That afternoon, he met her leaving the gym. She had a spin class that day. Maryse was so happy to see her son. They greeted each other, and he asked her about her gym workout.

“Oh, Alec, that teacher. You have no idea. He’s… You know. He’s like butter. And I would like to be a toast.”  
“OH GOD, STOP RIGHT NOW.”  
“Alec, I’m married, but I’m not dead. I can look.”  
“I don’t wanna hear it!”  
“Sorry. Do you want to go to this coffee shop around the corner? They have excellent snacks.”  
“I think you already had your fair share of snacks for the day, but sure”, he said a bit overwhelmed. 

They entered the place, and she made the order: coffee, toasts (to annoy her son), juice, chocolate cake. 

“So, what happened?”  
“Okay, try to be open-minded about what I’m going to tell you.”  
“Hmmm, okay”, she said, her mouth full of cake.   
“Thing is…”, Alec breathed, “I think I’m living the same day over and over again.”  
“I know”, she replied.

Alec almost choked on the toast (that he ate only because he was hungry).   
“You do? What?”  
“I mean, you’re a photographer, but you don’t do an exhibit in so long. What are you working on right now? If you don’t do anything new, all days will seem the same. You just spend your days in your apartment; I asked Magnus about it. Why aren’t you going out and exploring the world, like always?”

Oh. That. Of course, how could Maryse know the truth?

“No, mom. I mean... Wait, have you talked to Magnus about this?”  
“Obviously. I know how to text, Alec.”  
“Hmmm, sure. But no, mom, I’m not talking about that kind of ‘living the same day’. It’s not a feeling. I’m in fact living the same days over and over again.”  
“I’m not getting it.”

He explained it all to her. A lot of times. 

A lot.   
And then some more. 

Finally, she was almost starting to accept it. Maybe?

“Okay. So, you’re living this day over and over, and Magnus always dies in the end? No matter what?”  
“Well, yeah, I’ve tried everything.”  
“Everything?”  
“Yeah, why?”  
“I don’t think you’ve tried every possibility - assuming this is a real thing. I mean, there’s a constant there. You two are always together, no matter what.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“What if, what if you broke up with him?”  
“WHAT?”  
“Alec, you’re telling me that he dies day after day. You already tried to propose and not to do it. But you never told me you tried to break up with him. Maybe…”  
“What? My love is killing him?”  
“Honey, I’m sorry, I don’t know. Don’t you think it’s worth to give it a shot? Isn’t it better to live in a world where Magnus is alive, although not with you, than to live in a reality where you two are together only for one day?”

Is it? Is it better to live in a world where Magnus is no longer with him? Alec was having a hard time to find an answer to that. 

“I don’t know, mom.”  
“Alec, think about it. You can try. You can do it and wake up to a new day. Maybe a day where you two have another chance. Isn’t that better?”

He was being selfish; he knew that. How can you get ready to say goodbye to the love of your life? Is life worth living when you are deprived of what you want the most?

Maryse and her son finished their talk and Alec got back home, determined. 

He wasn’t really determined, but something needed to change. 

So, tonight, he would try to break up with Magnus. 

Alec kept the reservations for the restaurant he took Magnus the first time. The one that started this whole damn thing. 

He wasn’t so sure of what to do. Was it worth it, right? Better have a broken heart but a beating heart after all. Love is too much of a cost in exchange for Magnus’ life. 

So he got ready. He spent his day looking at all the photos he took of them. He was saying his goodbye to a life he couldn’t have anymore. For Alec, photographs are incredible because they can make a moment last forever, something he always wished in his life. To make happiness last. At least in pictures, it did. It was still, a frame in time no one could touch, altered, make it different. It was what it was. Forever. 

Yes, he saw the irony of that now. 

But before, before the idea of manipulating reality, memories, joy, time, all that was too tempting. The beauty would never fade away. The smile would always be there, defiant, true. Unshakable. It was a superpower, in a way. 

He was good at it too. Since a young age, he got a crappy camera as a Christmas gift, and soon he was exploring his neighborhood to get pictures of birds and trees and small animals. The pics were awful at the beginning. He was no Dorothea Lange. But the interest was there. That.. sparkle. 

He kept studying and getting better, investing all the money he got from his mom or from little things he did around the neighborhood in new equipment, better lens, all that. 

Alec went to university to study art and photography, and he became a pretty decent professional after a few years. He did a few commercial photos, because bills and all, but he usually tried to organize his exhibitions, about things that interested him the most. He was trying to capture that one moment. That one image that would explain all others. Truth to be told, he still hasn’t found it. But when his lens got Magnus’, it got pretty close. 

And now, now he needed to let go of all that to save his man. Love is a funny thing. The things we do in the name of it. 

It makes no sense, no?

Now he was in that restaurant, once again, waiting for Magnus, to break up with him. He felt like he could throw up. 

His boyfriend was there on time, as always. They kissed, and Alec enjoyed that kiss as much as possible, savoring Magnus. The man funnily looked at him. 

“Someone missed me.”  
“You have no idea how much.”  
“We just saw each other this morning.”  
“You have no idea how wrong you are.”  
“Haha, what?”  
“Nothing. Magnus, there’s something I need to tell you.”  
“Sure, babe, anything.”

And Magnus was looking at him with those puppy eyes, happy, clueless, safe because he didn’t need to have his guard up around Alec. He was safe, and that broke Alec. 

He couldn’t do it. 

He decided he couldn’t do that. He was selfish, too selfish. 

“I just… I love you so much”, Alec said, broken voice.   
“Hey, what’s going on? I love you too!”, Magnus replied, sweetly. 

Alec enjoyed another last meal with Magnus. 

After they left the restaurant, Alec lost everything again.


	6. Okay, new plan

Okay, new plan. Today Alec was going to break up with Magnus. 

For real.

That night, he was at the restaurant a little late. Magnus was already waiting for him. He didn’t have a ring this time. His intentions were quite the opposite. 

Alec was so nervous. How he went from exhilarated and excited about his future to trying to break up with the man of his life in an attempt to save that said man and get his own life back?

Like, what the heck?

But there he was. He wore his old clothes; he didn’t even shower. He was already feeling miserable, and he was about to cry right there, just looking at Magnus’ silhouette waiting for him at the table. Alec was late. 

He walked slowly, maybe hoping that someone would stop him, but nothing prevented him or stopped him. He reached the table. Magnus tried to kiss him, but he avoided that. Magnus thought it was weird. 

“Is everything okay?”

Now or never. 

“Yes. Magnus, look. I’m sorry to bring you here for this, but I don’t want you to make a scene. The truth is… I think we need to break up.”  
“What? What are you-”  
“I don’t think this relationship is helping any of us; I’m so sorry. I’m not advancing in my photography, and you’re never going to get that promotion if I’m always in your way. I think we’ve tried this and we failed. So, I’m letting you go. I’m really sorry, but I hope you can find someone better for you and-”  
“There’s no one better, what the hell is this?”  
“I’m sorry, Mags, we’re... we’re done.”

And Alec got up and started walking away. He thought watching Magnus die in front of him over and over was hard. Isn’t this what he’s doing now? Killing Magnus again? 

He was asking for forgiveness in his head as soon as the last word came out of his mouth. He was leaving the restaurant, not giving a chance for Magnus to protest what he just said. 

The breeze hit Alec’s face as he started walking outside. Where should he go now? He didn’t think about that before. Maybe Izzy’s? 

Oh, what’s that?

That was Magnus. Magnus was there, grabbing his arm, a bit out of breath, going after him. He must have seen this was about to happen. Magnus wasn’t letting go easily, right? He wanted explanations, explanations Alec couldn’t give him. “Well, Magnus, you’re dying every night after I propose to you... a long time ago, actually, and I can’t make it stop, and I wake up to the same day over and over again, can you let me try to save us both from this?”

He couldn’t say that. 

They started arguing, in the sidewalk. Alec was a little pissed now. Damn it; this was out of love, you fool, can’t you see? Can’t you see the effort and the pain and the struggle? And the tiredness?

And the hopelessness?

Can’t you see how it hurts, all of it?

Magnus was crying when he decided it was enough. He was going home; he was done. He was crossing the street now, away from Alec, that was going in a different direction, also crying. Still, Alec could hear the sound. 

The sound of a car. A car was hitting someone. 

And all the screams that followed that. 

He crumbled down in the sidewalk and started sobbing. 

***

Alec woke up. 

You know by now, right? Magnus was there. 

Alec got up and went for a walk. The desperation was back again. 

For the next “days” he tried many different things. 

He even decided to propose again. He was so lost, aimlessly trying. For anything. 

In one of those occasions, he gathered his family again because in a way he thought they deserved their a proper farewell too. 

It was a big celebration at the Lightwood House, and Magnus was happy, everyone was there. Maryse was blissful and proud; she made a toast, Alec cried (it was the first time his mom did a speech professing her happiness since this madness started). Alec wished that was real, that it could last. 

It was like holding sand between your fingers. 

And then the whole thing happened with Magnus. Like always. This time was different because the Lightwoods were there and Maryse was inconsolable. That made everything worse, how was that possible? They were all at the hospital, those white walls so aseptic, so clean, so empty. Alec was empty. But he still cried. He cried for all of those people Magnus left behind and loved him as much as Alec did. Alec never thought about them. 

We think our life is irrelevant, indifferent, but we always touch someone. We always cause an impact in someone else’s existence, if it's not clear at first. 

Izzy was crying; she approached her brother, that was standing against a wall. She hugged him, and they comforted each other. He only then realized how much he needed that, to share his pain. It was too much. Too heavy to carry alone. He was glad to have someone that, even only for those few hours, could understand him. 

She let go and started talking, standing next to Alec:  
“I can’t believe this.”  
“I know, me neither.”  
“I mean, of all days. Like, why now? Why today? You two just got engaged. Like, fuck. What twisted joke of the universe is this?”  
“I wish I could know, Iz, I swear.”  
“You know, this reminds me one time I talked to Magnus about it.”  
“About what?”  
“You two getting engaged. I asked if he thought you two would get married and stuff, and he didn’t answer me for a long time. And then he simply said, ‘If Alec ever proposes to me it will be the best and, probably, the saddest day under the sky.”  
“He said that? Why?”  
“I have no idea. That was it. I never get it. But now, I don’t know, he’s-”

And she couldn’t continue, she embraced him and started crying all over again.


	7. Different, but the same

The agony set in again. I could feel it. I was there once again. 

Alexander Lightwood and his mother, Maryse Lightwood, age: 58, were together eating in a coffee shop. I got in and sat right next to Maryse, that was wearing her gym clothes. Alexander was surprised to see me there. 

“Hi, little girl, are you lost?”, his mother asked me.   
“No, mom, she’s… my friend”, Alec said with a tone of uncertainty.   
“A friend? From where?”  
“Our building. She’s... our neighbor.”

I laughed. Alexander is adorable. 

“Okay. Do you want something to eat?”  
“Coke!”

Alec's eye rolled at me. 

“And cake”, I added. I don’t get that many chances, you know?

“I’ll go get it for you”, Maryse said.   
“Thank you, Maryse.”  
“How did you know my name?”, Maryse asked me in shock.   
Before I could answer, Alexander said that he told me about her previously. 

Sure. Like I needed Alexander to tell me anything. 

Fool child. 

Alexander occasionally talked to his mother about his situation. Some days she believed him; others, she doesn’t. Who can blame her? Today I decided to have another little fun exchange with Alexander. I knew his plans. 

“Why did you leave the other night?”, he asked me, in urgency, while his mom was away from us.   
“I had things to do.”  
“What things? Watch Nickelodeon? You’re a kid!”  
“I always have things to do, Alexander Lightwood.”  
“Like what?”  
“That’s not important.”  
“And how did you left my place?”  
“That’s not important.”  
“The hell! Answer me, damn it.”  
“Make better questions.”

He thought for a while. 

“Why are you here?”  
“That’s better. Not much, but it’s something.”  
“Is it because of Magnus?”  
“Why are you trying to say goodbye to your mother?”  
“How do you-”  
“I know many things.”  
“Stop saying that!”  
“Are you trying again, Alexander? The roof thing at your building?”  
“How do you-”  
“It won’t change anything.”  
“Oh God, I will kill you.”  
“I would love to see you try that.”

His shoulders were tense, I could sense it. 

He wasn’t the brightest, this child. 

I met many like him before: the ones that refuse to believe. The Deniers. Call it what you want. It won’t change anything. I saw them countless times, in denial, ignoring what was literally in front of them. The truth. The truth is one of the most painful things to face. Once you know, you can’t turn back; you can’t pretend. 

In your heart, you always know. 

It isn’t about religion or faith. I am a fact. It doesn’t matter if you like it or not. 

I’m collecting. 

Like always. 

Alexander Lightwood was facing me, looking at my features. Analyzing them, looking for clues. I was still in that tutu and the red coat, even being a hot day outside. I started to spoke again, with all the annoying voice of a 10-year-old. 

“What you want to do is not the answer, Alexander. That’s not the way.”  
“But I’m tired. I’m-”, he started protesting.  
“I know. I can see it. I can feel it, perfectly. You smell different from last time. Not quite like him. But not quite like yourself either.”  
“Him? Who? Magnus?”  
“Don’t give up, Alexander. You’ll see it. And then, then we’ll talk again.”  
“No, I’m done talking.”  
“Oh, child, you haven’t said a word so far.”  
“What?”  
“It’s still all silence and darkness. But we will talk. And then, I will answer your questions. I promise you.”  
“Why not now? How do you have any answers? Are you-”  
“I gotta go. Thank your mother for the cake and the Coke. Unfortunately, I can’t ever have a Coke when you’re around, apparently. But that’s okay. I’ll ask someone else.”  
“Wait, you can’t leave.”  
“Why? Will you stop me, child?”  
“Stop calling me that.”

I got up. 

Time was running slow inside the coffee shop, almost slow motion, thanks to yours truly. I can do some nice tricks, let me tell you. This is one of them. When I need more time I just… I make it happen. 

The perks of being me. 

Not that Alexander Lightwood noticed that. Isn’t it frustrating when you do something amazing, and people don’t pay attention? That happens more than you know. 

“Wait”, Alexander was trying to make me stay. “Who are you? What’s your name?”  
“That’s not important.”  
“Of course it is. How can I call you?”  
“You can’t. I’m not a dog, that’s not how this works!”

You can be so disrespectful sometimes! I heard that before so many times I shouldn’t be bothered by it. But I always was. 

“Tell your mother I gave her my regards. I’ll talk to her soon”, was what I said last.   
“Wait. What? Why? Hey, little girl!”

And he got up to follow me, but I was gone as soon as he stepped outside the coffee shop. 

I was gone. 

I had things to do. 

I always have things to do.


	8. At last

More days, all the same. More days, more days, that’s all Alec had. 

So far, proposing was not the thing. Not proposing wasn’t either. Breaking up was useless. Being alone, being surrounded by people, nothing was making a difference. 

Alec was in hell. He died in some other dimension, in an alternate reality and now he was in hell, facing one of his biggest fears. That must be it. 

Tonight, he was beyond the human limit of exhaustion. He wanted to stay home, watch tv, order Chinese food and cuddle with Magnus on their couch, chilling, enjoying life, doing something else that wasn’t fucking cry or see Magnus’ die. 

That’s too much to ask, apparently. 

He texted Magnus saying they had reservations, but he didn't feel like going. Magnus texted back saying they should go to the restaurant since they didn’t do that in ages. 

Alec could almost laugh at that. 

Almost. 

He got dressed and went to see Magnus in that damn restaurant. That was now his most hated place on Earth. He entered there and he wanted to faint immediately. It was too much, that place, that smell of meat, was now the smell of losing Magnus. 

He was so done. 

Magnus was there. They ate, they talked. Alec never wanted to leave, he knew what was waiting for him outside. The end. The beginning. Intertwined. 

When they stepped outside, Alec couldn’t do it. For the first time, he broke down to the one he never had. 

He started crying and grabbing Magnus, holding him tight and desperately. Magnus was taken by surprise, scared. “Alexander, what? What's wrong?”

And Alec told him: “You. I can’t take this anymore, Magnus. Every night, every fucking night, one after the other, you die. You die in front of me, doesn’t matter what I do, how I try to prevent this, I’m losing you, I’m losing myself too, I’m losing everything. I think I’m in hell, Magnus because I can’t help you and that’s the ultimate torture and-”

Magnus was like a statue. Static. Motionless. Froze. 

Alec thought Magnus might laugh at him; tell him to stop playing games  
But he was surprised when, instead of that, Magnus made him a question. 

“Alexander, do you remember the first night that happened? When it all started...”

Alec was drying his tears, useless; they were unstoppable now. 

“What? Wha... Yeah, yeah. I do. Why?”  
“What happened that first night?”  
“I…”, and he was afraid to say it. “I propose to you.”

Magnus looked down, and a half smile appeared in his face. He was emotional. Tears were accumulating fast. 

“What did I say to you?”, Magnus asked again.   
“What do you mean?”  
“Did I say yes?”  
“Of course you did.”  
“Was I happy?”  
“Yes”, and the memory hurt Alec’s heart because that first time he was clueless about the outcome of that. He was still so blissful.   
“Great.”  
“Magnus, what-”  
“I’m sorry, my love”, Magnus said rubbing his thumb against Alec’s cheeks, “I’m sorry about all this. I never wanted to give you this much pain. It was never my intention. I swear to you. But you gotta know you made me the happiest of all, and I’m forever thankful for that.”  
“Magnus, what are you talking-”  
“Alexander, you gotta let me do this.”  
“Do what? What are you talking about?”  
“I can't explain. But... I have too. I just… You gotta let me go.”  
“What? This makes no sense”, but Alec grabbed Magnus now, his arms, trying to stop him because he was trying to escape somehow. Escape what?

“Alexander, how it happened the first time?”  
“A car. A car hit you there, and-”, Alec pointed to the street in front of them.  
“Okay. Alexander, you are the love of my life, and I want you to always remember that. There was no one before, and no one after. Only you. I’m sorry I get you through this, it wasn’t my plan, but I thought we would have more time. I want you to be happy, okay?”  
“What the hell are you talking about? Stay here with me, let’s find a solution together. Maybe we can stop this”, and Alec was desperate, he was crying and sobbing while trying to form those sentences. 

It was all painful and surreal. 

“Alexander, honey, my love, you gotta let me go.”  
“No! Are you fucking insane? Did you hear me? You’ll die, Magnus! You’ll die! You’ll leave me here, in this nothing, I can’t do this anymore, stay with me, I’m begging you, just once, I promise I’ll do anything, please please anything I’ll do anything but please stay with me don’t die don’t leave me stay here I love you please don’t I’ll give you anything but don’t do this I-”  
“Alexander, it’s okay. It’s time. I have to do this. I know. I know, are you listening to me? But I’ll be fine, okay? Promise me you will too, my love.”  
“I won’t, no, stop this, Mags, please...”  
“I love you”, said Magnus. 

He broke free of Alec’s arms holding him, kissed his man for the last time, and walked. Walked away. 

Walked for this own death. 

Alec watched that, once again, without any effort to stop it. He was stunned because Magnus said those words, words that made no sense to him. 

“I know.”

***

Far from him, a little girl in a red outfit was watching the scene. 

She was there to collect. 

She was also there to talk. 

At last.


	9. A name

I was at the beach when I first met Magnus Bane, age: 22. 

Hmmm, no. That's not correct.

Anyway. Let’s talk about beaches for a moment. 

The beach is one of my favorite places to be. I like the breeze, the ocean, and the sand. I love sand. I really don't know why. You make castles with it, and they fall apart. Why do you built them anyway, if they will be torn apart, you know? 

And yet. 

I also like the shells we see on the shore. They remind me of you: they seem perfect and so strong, surviving the ocean, escaping the waves. And still, they get crushed so easily. I step in one, done. Just like all of you. So strong and so fragile. 

Oh, my children. 

I step upon each one of you, knowing you all wish to leave a mark on that sand before fading away. 

Most of you won't. 

And then I'm collecting again. 

Always collecting. 

I was building a sand castle when I smell it. 

Not it. Him. 

He was in a t-shirt and grey jeans, no shoes, burying his feet on the sand. He was observing the ocean and its movement; concentrated. It wasn't a defying action. He was seeking for understanding, for sense. For guidance. 

He wanted to merge with the ocean and leave. 

Oh, my child. 

Magnus Bane saw me like a young woman, a teenager, long hair, big smile, big eyes. He gave me a braid too, which I appreciate. Sand all over your hair is a nightmare! 

(Ahaha, see what I did there? Oh, I'm funny, you have to give me that. Like my hair mattered at all. Like I have hair, to begin with...)

Anyway, focus. I keep losing track of everything. 

He was silent, staring at the ocean like he was waiting for an invitation. 

I decided to approach him. 

See, I don’t do this often. Just… occasionally. Some people, they call me in a way. They want to go, but it’s not their time yet. Sometimes I can talk to them, meet them, explain things, ask them to hold on. It’s difficult; sometimes they hold on to face even worst things ahead. Happiness is a privilege. 

Trust me. 

Other times, I get there too late. I can talk no more. There’s nothing to do. I just collect.  
I mean, you all have free will, but it’s sorrowful not to be able to see that spark of life before, to look at your faces moving, talking; to see life in a body. There’s nothing there, it’s all gone, and I just collect. 

I just collect and what I collect is a chance that will no longer be. 

But enough about me, I was talking about Magnus Bane, I know you’re here for him only. I’m old, and nobody cares about me. 

(Although you should, just letting you know.)

Anyway, Magnus was emanating that smell. I don’t know how I can describe it; it wasn’t of something rot. It’s different. It’s like dead flowers with a scent of… void and misery. A bit of red is definitely there too. A weird mix. You’ll know if you smell it. It’s very distinguishable. 

[Fun fact: that’s not my favorite smell or scent if you’re wondering. Surprisingly, it’s vanilla.]

So, I approached him and decided to sit next to him, facing the waves as well. 

You always get so bothered when you see your personal space violated in any way. So easy to get your attention, you’re not even trying. 

Magnus Bane looked at me immediately, annoyed by my presence. 

“Do you mind?”, he said.  
“The real question is, do you?”, I replied. 

He was confused. I make that effect on people, see? Told you. 

“You smell”, I told him.  
“Then why are you so close to me? Go seat somewhere else.”

Cranky. 

“You smell like you’re giving up.”  
Now he looked at me a bit scared.  
“Sorry?”  
“You smell like you’re giving up”, I said again. “Do you? Do you want to?”  
“To…”  
“To give up, Magnus Bane.”  
“How do you know my name?”  
“I know many things.”

I always say this because: 1. good dramatic effect; 2. it’s absolutely true. 

He was silent again. 

“I’m…”, he tried.  
“I got a bit of time in my hands”, I replied, indicating that I could wait.  
“I think I’m… collapsing.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“What else is there?”  
“Well, you will never find out if all ends here, don’t you think?”

He was quiet. 

“Not yet, Magnus Bane”, I said tapping his leg.  
“Why?”  
“Trust me.”  
“Why?”  
“That’s all you can ask?”  
“Sorry. Life is hard. I’m… tired. I’m alone. I’m done, I think.”  
“I know, Magnus Bane. But trust me, you need to hold on a little longer.”  
“Why?”

I sighed. He was annoying. 

“Because… You will regret if you don’t.”

I smiled at him and got up. 

“Hey”, he said, making me turn around.  
“Yes?”  
“Will I see you again?”

That was a question I was not expecting. Typically, you all stuck in the “who are you?” question and never go further. This one was interesting.

“Absolutely”, I replied, too cheerful (teenage years make you so all over the place, I hate when you see me as a teenager).  
“And… do you have a name?”

I stopped and looked at him. Surprise me, child. 

“Let’s do this: why don’t you pick one for me?”  
“Agnes.”

He said that so fast I was amazed. Amazed and amused.

“Few times people called me that.”

That's not a normal thing for a person to say, I know, but I think Magnus Bane knew I was anything but ordinary. We knew each other already; I was fond of him, my mistake, I guess.

“I think it suits you”, was the only thing he replied. 

Again, the humor of it. Uh, I liked that. 

“Agnes it is”, and I turned around, leaving my sand castle behind. Shortly after, it collapsed against the hungry waves.


	10. A quick recap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter: 'The night we met', by Lord Huron. 
> 
> ;D

If there's one thing Magnus hated the most was to talk about his own life. It was such a cliché, and he really hated that. 

You know how it is: only child, lost his parents early on in a fire at his house, orphan, foster care, done. Maybe the problem wasn't his story per se; maybe it had more to do with the pity looks people gave him. Doesn't matter to how many people he told about his childhood and his upbringing, the result was always the same. The same expression. That look that says “Oh, honey” followed by a touch in his arm or shoulder to show support. 

Can you not do that? 

That was a reinforcement of all the things that went wrong, of all the things he missed. And people were sorry about that. 

What are you sorry for? Were you the one that set his kitchen on fire and killed his parents? Because if that wasn't you, then please shut the hell up and save your useless pity for someone who cares. 

Now he was a grown man dealing with the world. 

And he was sure he was doomed to do that alone. Some kids, once adopted, have the luck to be part of a real family, with loving parents that treat them as their flesh and blood. 

That wasn't the case with Magnus. 

A lot of foster homes, but not all of them, are just adults using a kid to escape their problems or, worse, save a collapsing marriage. 

Magnus was not here for that. 

Once he could be out of the adoption system, he made himself a promise to never depend or rely on anyone again. He was on his own. He was the only one he could trust. 

He managed to study as hard as he could, and he got into law school. 

He was unhappy, but he was trying. Sometimes he felt the urge to give up and leave all the emptiness behind, putting an end to his lingering feeling he carried inside himself. 

For countless reasons, he didn't. 

One night, his only “friend”, Rafael, invited him to go to a photography exhibition in an art gallery near their work. Rafael was interested in art and free food, and since Magnus didn't have a social life at all, Rafael thought it was an excellent opportunity for his friend to leave his house for a bit. 

Magnus accepted. 

And everything changed. 

***

Alec Lightwood always had an interest in photography. He would have the most pleasure of it if he were in the middle of nowhere, among nature, the trees and the animals. That's when he felt the best and most connected with everything. 

His work was different from others. He wasn't seeking perfection. That photo of the animal perfectly still, like nothing was alive, was far from his view of the world. Life was messy, so his favorite shots were the ones that were a little blurred. He did that all the time. He took a lot of perfect, standard pics, and after that, he started photographing for himself. Usually, people would adjust the camera's aperture to get blurry backgrounds. He wanted that effect with the main thing he was shooting. 

That way, the animals and plants seemed alive in his head. His pictures almost looked like paintings, the blur reminding the viewer of a rush brushstroke. Hard and hurry, but moving. It was a way of saying that nature stops for no one. 

How are we asking and demanding nature to be still just for our entertainment? Just to please us? We can't do that. We are the ones that must adjust and obey, following an already existing flow. 

The flow of life. 

He liked to preserve those moments in eternity, a scene that would never change, sure, but that it must remain true. Honest. Real. 

Photographs are not here to change anything, to make us look better or thinner. It is a reminder of all the things we must appreciate. It should be physical proof of memory and celebration. 

That night, he was about to have his big opening in this fancy art gallery. His friend, Maia, got him the opportunity, showing the gallery owner some of his work. 

He was nervous but excited. He only did small openings in cafés and places like that. This was a new level, and he hoped it would lunch him to new things. 

The guests starting arriving and Alec was sweaty wearing a suit, something unusual for him, typically dressed in jeans and sneakers. His camera was hanging from his left shoulder, and he was trying not to be a creep staring at the people staring at his work. 

The main piece was a picture of a bee. It was his favorite, and he was dying to see who would stop by to admire it as much as he did. 

Surprisingly, after he said hello to his family and a few friends, he walked around that pic, to find a man there. 

***

“Do you like it?”, Alec asked unceremoniously, standing next to the man.   
“Yes”, he said without looking at Alec. 

The picture showed a bee delicately flying just an inch above a flower, in a blur. The background showed a field filled with lilac lavender flowers, but only this one had a bee. The little insect was moving in the picture, if to get closer or away from the flower was an impossible thing to say. 

“Why?”, Alec asked again.   
“Why?”, And now the man was looking at him. “Hmmm. I like how the bee is alone here. I think it shows the truth.”  
“Which is?”  
“That we are all alone.”  
“Really? Is that what you take from this picture? That we're all alone?”  
“Yes. Do you see any other bee making her company?”, And the man smiled. It faded. “A crowd can surround us, but truly, we are all lonely little creatures waiting to die just as alone as we lived.”  
“That's… bitter. If you're getting all that from that photo, maybe I should ask them to take it down.”

The man laughed. 

“What do you see?”, he asked Alec.   
“I see life. I see hope. The bee is alone here, sure, but it will go back to her hive at some point. Bees are never truly alone, they work together, and that's the only way they can succeed and prosper in nature. I think we are the same.”  
“How interesting. But I bet that if you ask the photographer, he would agree with me on this.”  
“I bet differently”, and Alec laughed.   
“Why? Do you know him?”, And the man made a suspicious expression.   
“Well, that's almost a philosophical question, but let's say I do. And now you do too. I'm Alec, the photographer.”  
“Oh”, and the man laughed once again. “I'm happy art is open to interpretation. I'm Magnus, by the way”, and they shook hands.   
“But that means you liked it?”, Alec asked.   
“Yeah. I love it. It's my favorite.”  
“Mine too”.

They both smiled, and Alec had a little blush that turned his cheeks into this subtle and adorable pink tone. He scratched the back of his head. 

“I'm thinking of buying it, actually.”  
“Oh yeah?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Hmmm. With one condition. That you let me take your picture.”  
“Why? Do you wanna interpret me?”  
“Maybe”, and Alec looked at his feet now, the blush more prominent in his face.   
“I guess I won't have that picture then. Too bad.”  
“Wow, you give up that easily?”  
“Don't we all?”, Magnus said before giving a smile to Alec and excuse himself to find Rafael. 

***

The exhibit was at the gallery for a month.   
Magnus, to Alec's surprise, came back to look at his work again. And talk.   
He came back a lot of times. By the end of last week of the exhibition, Alec was already waiting for him at the entrance with two coffees. Magnus was always very punctual, going there after work. 

The first time Alec gave him the coffee it was a pleasant surprise until he drank it.   
“Oh God, there's no sugar here, why?”  
“Because it's coffee. It's to be appreciated.”  
“Alec, if I wanted to appreciate my beverage, this would be champagne. I can't drink this.”

Alec rolled his eyes and took the cup from Magnus’ hand. He was now holding both.   
“More for me”, he said. 

These encounters were always comfortable and welcoming. They talked about a lot of random things, about Alec's travels to photograph, Magnus’ work, Alec's family. When Alec asked about Magnus’ upbringing, he only said “sad story, not worth sharing". 

Alec surprised him by saying “that sucks” and having more coffee. 

That was it. No pity look, no hand in the shoulder, just that. Accepting life as it is. Magnus was utterly pleased with that. 

On the penultimate day of the exhibit, Alec made his move. 

“So… do you wanna get something to eat with me?”  
“Are you asking me out?”  
“Depends. If you're about to say no, I can say it's only a casual dinner because I'm starving. But if you say yes… it's a date, I guess.”  
“And do you think it's a good idea?”  
“Since I'm inviting you, yes”, and Alec laughed. The scratch at the back of the head was back, and Magnus already knew Alec was bewildered. “One meal.”  
“So… this is not a date. Or is it?”  
“We can decide at the end”, and it was Magnus’ turn to laugh. 

They went to a crappy diner nearby.   
When Magnus got in there, he turned to Alec, “this is definitely not a date”, and they both smiled. 

They got a greasy table and ordered their food. They just talked more; Alec showed Magnus more photos at his cell phone, pics of his family, of his friends. He was a guy that appreciate that type of connection. Magnus was a bit jealous, seeing something he never had, and promised he would never chase. 

Unlike Alec, Magnus was waiting. Waiting for something else, an end, maybe. Not this. 

At the end of the night, Alec paid for everything. Magnus called an Uber to go home, and when they were about to say their goodbyes, Alec hugged him. Magnus thought it was a weird gesture. But the strangest thing happened when, after the hug, Alec kissed him. 

Just lips touching. Nothing adventurous, but undoubtedly tender. He was holding Magnus’ hands while kissing him. 

The driver arrived, Magnus, speechless, got into the car and Alec, happily, walked home. 

Magnus was concerned. What was the hell happening? What was he allowing himself to happen? 

The next day, he went to the gallery again, but Alec was not there. Instead, a black girl with the most beautiful curly hair was waiting for him at the door. 

“Alec said you were always on time; he wasn't kidding.”  
“Thanks? And where is he?”  
“Oh, he couldn't make it today. But he asked me to give you this.”

It was a massive frame, Magnus could feel it, wrapped in a brown paper. He took it home. When he was there, he finally opened. 

The bee. 

The picture was now his. 

The photo was framed, and above the bee, written in black ink, it was legible the following: 

“About life and not being alone, even when it feels like it.”

A post-it was attached to the glass as well:

“Great date.   
You earned this.  
Hope you liked it.  
A. Lightwood.”

Followed by a phone number. 

Magnus wished he was stronger because he was about to break the promise he made to himself. To not chase any of this, to stand still in the universe until it was his time. 

Instead, he took his cell phone and dialed the number immediately.


	11. Dead beach

“Is there not a misunderstanding in all this?  
What will be in reality transparency  
If the matter you see, is opacity?  
In this morning I am and I am not my landscape.  
Earth and clarity are mixed  
And what sees me  
Does not know the image of itself.”

Hilda Hilst

 

***

 

I was there again. I saw him. He looked so confused. I understand the feeling, child. I think I would be too, but Thank The Boss I know what’s happening most of the times. 

I walked towards him, small steps, I was once again that little girl in that red outfit. Alexander Lightwood was on the sidewalk, without moving, still perplex. He looked at me once I was in his perimeter. 

“He… Did he…?”  
“Come, child”, I said, offering my hand to him. He took it. 

We started walking, and I snapped my fingers. I needed a better sight for this. We were at the beach, the sun hitting our faces. Alexander Lightwood was not paying attention. We could be inside a volcano that he would not be impressed by that. 

That’s too bad, Mister, not everyone can witness this miracle. 

It’s always the unworthy ones. 

I was wearing that heavy red coat, but don’t worry; the weather is not something that affects me. You, child, are always so sensitive. Getting hot and cold all the time. Must be exhausting. I’m always fine, thanks for asking.   
I settled Alexander Lightwood in the fluffy sand, I don’t think he noticed, but see how nice I am? I settled him and sat next to him. We were both watching the waves and the unstoppable movement of the ocean. 

You all should learn a thing or two from it. The ocean never stops. Boats sink, animals and creatures born and die, life restarts itself over and over. The sea remains the same. The ocean is this force that can’t be contained. 

You don’t know, but the ocean is letting you all live and occupy space and try to do something with your pathetic little lives. I don’t see you being that grateful. Are you using that grace in its fullest potential?

You know the answer to that, don’t you, child?

Alexander Lightwood stood there for a while, days, seasons until the world ended and began again. Like he died himself and was trying to find a way to resurrect from his pain. 

Can you do that? 

Can you do that, child?

“I can’t stop this”, he finally said.   
“No, child, I don’t think you can.”  
“He said something to me this time. Like… he wanted to go.”

I was silent. 

“Did he?”, Alexander asked me.  
“What?”, and I said facing him.  
“Did he want… to go?”  
“Don’t you like how it’s so bright here? Everything is out in the open.”  
‘So, I’m assuming yes.”  
“You’re getting smarter, my child”, and I smiled.   
“So you’re saying Magnus wanted to die?”  
“Child, don’t you wanted to die eventually, too? Don’t you face desperation that seemed so bigger than yourself that you wish to extinguish the pain?”  
“You’re not answering me.”  
“As I said, you’re getting smarter.”  
“You’re the most annoying kid I ever met, I swear.”

That made me laugh, and my laugh was pure, sweet and open like a 10-year-old laugh. I like that, doesn’t happen often. 

He looked at me and smiled. 

“So he wanted to die”, he said again, now, letting the information to sink in.   
“Most of you don’t want to, my child. Want is not the right word here. But you need to remember: what are your wishes and desires in the face of the Universe itself? Life is a force you can’t stop. Even its end. You can’t win this.”  
“Then who does?”

You see, I could brag here. I mean, he practically was begging me to give my all known answer. 

I had a lot of people begging me before, for a lot of things. For time. For forgiveness. For another chance. For others. You have no shame, only desperation, and a pleading tone. You have no shame, no honor. 

No shame. 

The ones that were always interesting to me were the ones begging for understanding. I always took my time with them. 

See, during the Inquisition, for example. Lots and lots of you were begging for understanding. “Is this happening in name of God? Is this true?” I heard that millions of times on different occasions. 

Billions.

You are all something, let me tell you. 

You do a lot of things in The Boss’ Name. Does He want that? Did He ask you to? I bet not. 

You’re unbelievable. 

I had to have tea with a few people to calm them down. I had the most interesting conversations I ever had in… well, my existence with some of them. Sometimes I’m so in awe with them that I let them see. I let them see the truth. It’s like a magician show, I revealed what’s behind the curtain. 

Words were not made up yet to describe what happens on those occasions. Or to describe what those poor souls witness. 

I’m just glad to be there. It’s… a relief to them, I think. The brightness. The Holiness and the Ordinariness of it all. 

Ufff, it’s so complex and yet so simple you wouldn't believe. 

It’s everything. It’s nothing. 

It is what it is. The truth. 

“Who does?”  
“What?”, I got distracted. I’m so distracted, you have no idea. It’s annoying sometimes. I forgot I was talking to Alexander Lightwood, right, the beach. I like the beach, have I ever told you this? It’s so bright here. I like the sand.   
“Who wins?”, he asked me again.

You have no patience. 

I smiled again. 

“Not you, my child. Not any of you.”

You know, sometimes… there are occasions when I ask myself if I’m really winning, like now, seeing Alexander Lightwood's face broken against the blue sky, like an open wound that wouldn't bleed.  
I think…

I think this is one of them.


	12. Aku Cinta Kamu

The other time I met Magnus Bane was- OH WAIT. 

Maybe I should tell you about when we met for the first time, right? I’m sorry, there’s always too much to say. Keeping track of everything is hard. 

So, the first time went like this. 

I was in a corner, near that house. Waiting. 

It was a calm and warm night. The moon was full and could be seen clearly upon us, marking my silhouette against the concrete. The wait sometimes can be a bit boring. Nothing happens.

Until it does. 

I started walking towards the yellow house. A few people walked by me, but they never saw me, partly just because you're not paying attention to anything other than your ridiculous problems. 

I'm kidding. 

You can only see me when you have to. I mean, don't you think my appearance, my presence, should be a pivotal moment for you? Usually, it is. There is definitely a before and an after once you meet me.

The after is usually quite short. 

I was still walking. The weather was lovely. I liked it. 

I reached the front door and turned the doorknob, getting in. 

Don't be mistaken, child. There are no doors in this world I can't open. I'm the one that closes all of them anyway. 

Right, right. Walking. I was in. Comfy. A lot of yellow everywhere. You know, you don't need to match the outside color of your house with the inside, just a tip. I remember when you used to live in castles, those were awful. So humid. So cold. Decorating was not a priority, evidently. 

Sorry, I got distracted — anyhow, the kitchen was small. The smoke was already there, turning everything into a gray curtain that couldn't be controlled or stopped anymore. Columns of it were forming, like a thick wall dividing and smashing that family. Some people fear the calm waters, but they can only engulf and embrace you. But fire, fire destroys you. Fire eats you, the hot tongue licks everything and burns to the ground, transforms, hurts, not only kills. There's something evil in the fire, as there is something calm in the cold waters. Fear, my children. You have reasons to do so. 

On the second floor of the house, a couple slept in the main bedroom. The other room had a small child; he was hardly 3. 

I walked into the main room. 

I woke the mother first: age 27. 

She looked at me, and I was her mother. Honestly, I love when that happens. It usually makes my job so much easier. Most of you are attached to the ones you know. When you all love, it's remarkable. That's one of the moments when I can see it. There's confusion, but there's also gratitude for that one person to be there. 

Hey, don't thank me. It's all you. 

I was this old lady with gray hair and a soft voice, asking her to get up and come with me. She never mentioned her husband, only the child. 

I reassured her everything would be fine; I would come back for him. 

See, I wasn't lying. I always tell the truth, I have no reason to made up anything.

But now she needed to go. She woke up the man next to her. The smoke was getting so intense, but they never said a word about the fact that we were calmly getting out of the room without any trouble breathing. 

When he reached the hallway, the woman entered the child's bedroom. The boy was tiny against his bed. She approached him, placed her hand on his head, stroke his hair a few times. 

“We gotta go, my child”, I told her. 

She looked at me and asked me to take him with her. 

“Later.”

She nodded and looked at him again. She got closer to her son's body and whispered something in his ear. And then she turned around and held my hand as she did with her mom when she was a kid back in Indonesia. 

The man walked behind us. 

We were all quiet. 

I was stroking her hand when we walked out of the house, now, that was getting eaten by the flames. 

At the same time, I was now with the kid. 

It was hot, the flames engulfing the house. The neighbors were alert and awake, calling the firefighters. 

I sat next to the boy and waited. I was about to touch his head when he woke up. He was sleepy, dizzy, and immediately asked for his mom. 

“She had to go, my child.”  
“Where?”  
“Far.”  
“And dad?”  
“The same.”

I thought he was going to cry, but he didn't. You can still amaze me. He placed his head on my lap and closed his eyes. 

“Will you stay with me?”  
“Only for a while.”

I thought I would look like his mom, but no. I looked like a lady from a chocolate commercial he saw on TV earlier. He was trying to come up with a plan to convince his mom to buy one of those for him before falling asleep. 

Kids are always so entertaining. 

He nodded after my answer and fell asleep. 

(See, I can be nice!)

I waited until the firefighters broke in, taking his little body from bed, almost gone. I was in one of the corners of the bedroom, standing, watching the scene develop in from of me. 

I like watching those things — little gems of hope in an ocean of inescapability.   
Like you're in control of anything.   
Oh, my children. 

In the other room, there was no life to be saved. 

I had already collected them. 

The boy was hardly alive, not aware of what was happening. One firefighter got him and protected him against the flames, taking him outside the structure that once was a home.

Meanwhile, I was walking down the road, holding that couple's hands. The woman looked back once, before facing what was coming ahead for her and her husband. 

They didn't exchange a word with each other.


	13. Checkmate

So, I met Magnus Bane when he was 3. And I saw him again when he was 22.

I close my eyes, and I can still feel the sand.

Third time. I met him a third time. He was alone, getting out of his office, and walking towards his car. He saw me before I could say anything.

Oh, that child.

I was still looking like that girl from the beach. I thought he would change me again, but no. I was that boring teenager. But the braids were back, a nice touch.

He smiled at me and opened the door of the passenger's seat, letting me in. I don’t like cars that much, I think they’re too messy and as surprising as it is, I don’t like the mess. I prefer calm and beautiful surrenders and tea: not high speed, twisted metal, and all that pain. I hate those.

We were inside his car, going not so fast against the asphalt. I was silent, about to say something, when he was faster:

“Agnes?”  
“Hello, child.”

I felt something close to happiness. I don’t get the chance to make friends and have long-term relationships. Rare occasions. But here we were. He knew me. And he wasn’t scared. He was pretty wise, considering.

“Hello”, he replied back, a shy smile on his face. Then, a realization. “Am I going?”  
“Yes, child, it’s time.”

Silence.

“I don’t want to.”  
“You never do.”  
“But I wanted before.”  
“I recall.”  
“But now I don’t.”  
“And why is that, Magnus Bane?”, I asked, intrigued. “You already found what you wanted.”

The sun was setting on the horizon.

“What is that?”, he replied.  
“Why do you ask me something you already know the answer to?”  
“Happiness.”  
“Yes, child. A gift not many of you can experience. Do you know how many are suffering right now? How many are crying, lost, hurt, at the verge of existence? They only know darkness and pain, nothing else.”  
“Why is that?”  
“It’s not my place to tell.”

He stared at me for a second. Now, his eyes were back to the streets and the traffic.

I knew what was going through his mind because I see that every day. “I found happiness, yes, but why does it have to end? Why can’t I have more of it?”

You’re all the same, my children. Always wanting more: more happiness, more love, more time. You never learn how to enjoy what is already granted. All the miracles conceived.

Magnus’ eyes were filled with tears, and I knew he was thinking about his boy. I knew what Magnus wanted the most in his life. I was there when he lost everything, and he built this awful lens he started using to see the world and the others around him, a rotten and twisted world where kindness, gentleness or love had no place. He always dared the universe to show him wrong.

Remember, child; I can see it all.

While Magnus’ tears were running down his face, something happened, something that didn’t happen in a long, long time took place inside that car.

“Agnes, can’t we talk about this?”, he pledged me.

And I gave in.

I have to admit I was excited about all that. Magnus was a bit hopeful, fool little one.

“Do you have a place where we can talk?”, he said.

Can you believe this guy?

I just laughed.

“Presumptuous, little child of mine. C’mon”. I moved my fingers, and we were not in his car anymore, but in a place that he called “my office”. Just to make it clear, I don’t have one. I’m busy working and enjoying the depths of the earth, admiring the complexion of human existence, wandering between the forgotten and the unwanted, in a country that has no boundaries, touching a ground that obeys no one.

I’m feeding myself with all there is here.

You should be doing that too, just a piece of advice.

We were in this little purple room, a white table, cups and a teapot on top of it. Purple chairs. Nothing else. The room extended to infinity, regardless of the direction in which you looked. I felt cozy. I didn’t bring many of you here; this was quite something else. A few emperors, sure. But also peasants, dying ones, little kids… all sorts of you.

I always give you tea because I have manners.

But no cookies, you’re not here for a sleepover.

I asked Magnus to take one of the seats. I gave him tea; it was at the perfect temperature (evidently). He said it was the best tea he ever had in his life. He wasn’t lying.  
“So, Agnes, as you know”, he started after I took a sip of my cup, “I’m with someone now.”  
“The boy.”  
“Yes. Yes, the boy. And I’m happy with him.”  
“In that case…” and I was about to stand up.  
“No! Wait. I’m happy, I’m finally happy, why does it have to end now?”  
“How do you know you’re truly happy? How do you know that you’re already there?”  
“Where?”  
“Blissful.”

And we exchanged a significant gaze that showed me that he was ready. Like a little spider, I was weaving my web around him, and he was walking right towards me.

Get closer, child.

Feed me.

***

“Blissful is not for everyone, Magnus Bane”, I said, having more tea.  
“I know, I know, but I... I think I’m already there with Alexander.”  
“And how are you so sure?”  
“Because he’s my soulmate. That’s real, isn’t it?”  
“Isn’t reality something we all create for ourselves, Magnus Bane? The crazy ones also believe everything they see, don’t they?”

He sighed. Hey, you’re the one that asked to come here. I was ready to do something else with you.

“I know it’s real because I feel it. He... gave me all I thought would be denied for someone like me, someone outcast. He showed me it was okay to be who I am and to love and to be loved and... I can’t give up on that. Not now”, and there it was. The tone of desperation I was hoping to hear out of that conversation.

He was ready.

“Oh, dear child. Do you love him, yes, and he does love you back, yes. But... Are you certain?”  
“Of what?”, he asked me confused.  
“Certain that total and unrestricted happiness is possible. Possible for you.”

I didn’t know if he was offended or just exposed. It was a mix of both. I can see your heart, Magnus Bane, clear as water, dark as charcoal. And it was filled with the most powerful of feelings: fear. (Yes, some of you would say love, but it's debatable.)

“And how can I know that, Agnes?”  
“Well, Magnus Bane, I have a proposal for you, if you’re interested in getting some answers to your heart and soul.”

He straightened up in his chair.

“I can extend your time”, I said casually.

He was holding his cup in the air like I was draining his life already. I was doing the exact opposite.

Since he remained silent, I continued:

“I can extend your life until the moment you feel like nothing can be better, like you ‘get there’; at that moment, you feel all the happiness you want.”  
“And?”  
“And exchange for my benevolence, I’ll collect you as soon as it happens.”  
“What?”, was only a whisper.

I drank more tea, placing the cup calmly on the table in front of us.

“Don’t you think it’s a fair trade? You’ll get what you want, and I’ll have the same. Sounds perfect.”  
“But, how…”  
“Oh, right. To make things interesting, let’s do this, Magnus Bane, you’ll have that rare opportunity, a true gift for someone like you, but only you will know when that time will be. You’ll feel it in your heart. I’ll know too because I know many things.”  
“And with that…”  
“You’ll be truly joyful for a split of a second. Happiness is not a moment. Happiness is not eternal; it’s just a frame in time that, like everything else, dies and somebody or something else next replaces it. You’ll see ahead of you all there is and all that could be about your existence. You’ll have certainty when others only have doubts.”  
“That doesn’t make any sense. I’ll see all that, and I won’t be around to enjoy it.”  
“It’s up to you, Magnus Bane. You can end this now and come with me without knowing what it is store for you. Or…”  
“Or I can play with mine and everybody else’s future not knowing how much remaining time left do I have.”

I laughed so so much, uhhh, is he funny or what?

“Magnus Bane”, I needed to address that, “and how does my proposition is any different from the way you and everybody else is already living?” and I smiled triumphantly.

***

There was a heavy silence between us like a material force was pressing us, pressing against our seats, pressing us against each other. Magnus was not staring at me whatsoever; he was looking down, weighing all the words I said and all the implications of them, like dominos hitting each other and falling to the ground with a loud sound, each piece a possibility he was admiring, or a chance he might be loosing.

Finally, he spoke:

“So, if I say yes to your idea...”  
“Your boy will make you so happy, right?", because let's be honest, it was all about him and his boy. "And you will know...”  
And Magnus completed my sentence:  
“I will know that I was loved beyond all limits, more than I could have ever imagined. I will know that I would have that certainty of love someone and of being loved in return, of having a safe place. I would know that I could face anything because I’m not alone in the world anymore. And I think that will be my bliss. I’ll know for sure, without doubt, that everything was not in vain and that I could build a better future for me despite at all.”  
“A bit more dramatic than I would explain, but, yeah. That’s it.”

I rubbed my hands against each other while waiting for Magnus’ response.

Must say, not the first time I had those encounters. Not the first time people tried to extend this, to change it. Or that I offered a deal like that. I love those moments, always so fun!

Most of you don’t have the option to talk to me and have tea. I love tea, all kinds, but lemongrass and Earl Gray are my favorites. And Coke. I love it too; I wish you could offer me more of it when we meet nowadays. You are usually a bit impolite, just thinking about yourselves all the time; about your “faith” or “destiny”.

Guess what? You know it already.

It’s the same to all of you.

I collect.

The end.

But I love to surprise and be surprised, and eventually, it happens. We talk, and you offer me something. I get interested. And I let it happen. Or I have an offer you can’t refuse, he he he. It’s not like it will change the outcome that much. The final scene is always the same; the only difference is time.

When?

Isn’t it great to not know that? I honestly don’t understand how can you all live day after day knowing this question is haunting you, hovering over your heads. If that were me, I would probably lose my mind. Too much pressure, you know? That can’t be healthy.

Oh, and that question affects some of you. So sad.

You’re all heartbreaking at some point. So little, so irrelevant. So full of nothings.

Other times I get curious. I see what you’re all doing, playing, manipulating, twisting things. I like to look at that too. The ugly side. The sacrifice of others in the name of your own happiness. You can all be vicious.

Imperfect little children of mine.

You can be many things. You can act in so many different ways. You’re genuinely spectacular to witness. It’s always a privilege, no matter what.

In this case, you see, Magnus Bane had the chance to extend his time by betting… on love? Or against love? On his life choices? On his happiness or lack of it?

If it took too long to happen, Magnus Bane would live longer, but he would have to restrain himself and his boy from the happiness he for so long desired.  
If it were too fast, right around the corner, he would fade and die immediately, tasting so little of life.

All humans know they will eventually die.

For Magnus Bane, it was a matter of rolling the dice hoping for long and fearful existence or shorter life, interrupted precisely by what he wanted the most. He knew he was about to die. Moments after.

That was the deal I offered him.

That was the deal he accepted.

***

I was impressed with his response.

“Isn’t that a bit cruel, Magnus?”, I asked (hiding my amusement) because the moment that would end his life would probably be the start of the misery for someone else.

Alexander Lightwood.

Not that I cared, but I still thought it was interesting.

Magnus Bane looked at me seriously and penetratingly. Now I was the one waiting.  
“Here’s the thing”, and he took a sip of his tea like he was the owner of the world. In your dreams, child.

But I knew that look. I suddenly felt drained and the room we were in shrunk a little.  
“You can have me", he agreed, "but you have to promise me, promise me, Agnes, that if the situation involves Alexander directly, he will be happy too, after I’m gone. You gotta make sure of it.”

Here’s the catch he set up for me.

I knew it. There had to be something; it couldn’t be all fun and games for me. Now, look, I have more work to do. Like I didn’t have plenty of it already. I’m always busy. I was having tea, sure, but I was also collecting.

I’m always collecting.

I never stop.

But I was listening to Magnus Bane too. And I was expecting something like that to happen, sure, but not that. Because, you see, now I had ‘homework’ to do. It’s not my job to take care of the ones that are left behind. Definitely, it's not my responsibility. My job is to collect. Do I play around a bit? Sure. But mostly, I do what I have to do, and I take care of the ones I collect the best I can (occasionally, not all of you are worthy. To be honest, not all of you are worthy even to be alive). It can be a beautiful moment or a traumatic experience, it all depends. Depends on the person: the person I’m collecting, the person I’m mimicking to her, the situation, the awareness of the moment. It’s all very complicated. And if you think about it, I will eventually meet all of you anyway, so why bother?

It's all inevitable.

Anyway, I don’t have time to take care of the boy, that's the point.

In fact, that was an impossible thing to do. I knew beforehand.

Because you see, there was one problem with the plan the child in front of me had in mind.

After Magnus Bane was gone, there was no way of his boy to be happy again.


	14. Agnes and Alec

“In that moment  
laughter is over  
and the astonishment came  
and from my cry  
the disagreement  
and from joined hands  
came the tremor of the fingers  
and from the will of life  
came fear.  
In that moment  
from you came the silence  
and the mourning of all men  
sprouted in your translucent eyes  
and mine have departed from thine  
and from long arms  
came the short goodbye.

In that moment  
the world has stopped  
and from distances  
came waters  
and the sound of the sea.  
And from love  
came great suffering.

And there’s nothing left  
From the infinite perceived things  
of promises in flame.  
Nothing.”

Hilda Hilst

 

***

 

“But why now? Was it the proposal? Was it my fault?”

Oh, Alexander Lightwood, your desperation is starting to show. Never pretty to look at.

“There’s no now, my child. You’re always only living in the now. So ‘now’ because ‘now’ is the only thing you have.”  
“Can’t you give me one straight answer?”  
“Was it the proposal?”, I repeated his question, “Yes”.

He wasn't prepared for my answer.

Honestly, that happens all the time. You keep asking for truth, and once you get, you don’t know what to do with it — predictable little souls.

“So… I killed him?’  
“Aren’t you being a bit presumptuous here? You don’t have that power, child.”  
“But you said… Was it my fault then?”  
“Maybe it’s best for you to think that your love set him free.”  
“But he’s dead. He’s not free.”  
“For some, being alive is a prison.”  
“You know what, fuck you. Fuck you and your riddles, I’m done with this shit, I want him back”, and Alexander Lightwood was getting up, finally noticing where he was.

“God, how did you bring me here? Are you a witch or something?”

Like I never heard that before. Clap clap for originality.

I just snapped my fingers again, and we were at the rooftop of his building. I liked it there. I love high places, the wind in my face is always so awakening, so refreshing.

He was scared, unlike me.

Most of you don’t know how to enjoy the ride, no matter what ride it is. Oh, children of mine, when will you learn?

He looked at me, in total desperation, sat on the floor and started crying again.

We just stood there for a long time. Or seconds. It’s irrelevant. He was there, and I waited, patiently, as I always am. Always patient, not always merciful.

But that night I was.

I waited for the world recompose itself before he could speak.  
For once, I decided to give him some clarifications, what about that?

“Did I kill him?”, he asked me again, between sobbings.  
“That’s not your job, child.”  
“Why he died?”  
“Because it was his time.”  
“Why that day?”  
“Because it was our agreement.”  
“What?”

And that night, I sat next to Alexander Lightwood, and, for the first time, I told him about my meetings with Magnus Bane and the arrangement we made a while back.  
The arrangement Magnus Bane did to extend his own life.  
And to interrupt it abruptly as well.

***

Maybe you think it was a bit harsh the first time it happened and Magnus died.

But remember, a deal is a deal.

He decided he would wait longer and see what life had in store for him. I fulfilled my part of the arrangement. So did Alexander. He loved Magnus Bane with all his heart, until the point Magnus felt secure of it, utterly loved and appreciated; until he was sure life could be good despite at all.

He needed that message. It was a message he never got before that moment, the moment he met Alexander Lightwood.

He just needed that one, and he was ready.

If you think about it, that is a safe thing to do - in a way. Magnus died only with certainty. He never got to the disappointing phase when love fades and gets bitter and slowly dies. People can do all sorts of things. Including not love you, disappoint you, break you, kill you with their indifference. Oh, I’ve seen it so many times it’s not even funny anymore.

(I’m kidding. Sometimes it’s still funny.)

Magnus Bane was clever. He never lived to see any of that coming to life. He died with certainty. He knew love, he felt it, and that was enough. He died an awful death, sure, but he died in peace and with no regrets. Pure and light-hearted. Full of hope and gratitude.

Not what can I say of many of you, am I right?

(Trust me on this one, Magnus Bane still had more privilege in his short life than most of you will have in a 100 years of existence.)

But also…

Magnus decided, in a way, not to live any of that. He decided he was done only with the illusion, with theory, only with words, not actions. As far as I know, the hardest part of that kind of relationship begins after the “I do”, isn’t it right?

(Not that I have any experience with it, I’m just speculating.)

If you think about it, he could have made a different deal. He could have asked me, in a way, to get this over with and not put his love through all that misery and pain ahead. Why did he accept to extend his life to end up like that, so abruptly?

Is that bravery?

Or the act of a coward?

And before you start judging him, I just want to remind you, my child, that I knew everything that was going on inside Magnus’ heart.

And I know what’s going on inside yours too.

 

***

 

I told everything I could to Alexander Lightwood in the best that I could. Being clear and straightforward is not my way of thinking, I don’t know if you noticed that.

Do you know what I was missing? A Coke. He never offered me one, which I thought it was offensive, but I never asked for one either, since I imagined he wasn’t at his best at the moment. Honestly, the best thing to do when you’re having difficult talks like this is to have at least a cup of tea.

At least.

(Maybe this was a situation where I should give him a beverage, but I was craving that Coke so bad, sorry.)

I took a long breath after I finished. I couldn’t tell if he believed me or not.

“Alexander Lightwood, you must remember two important things about me: One, I know many things. Two, I don’t lie.”

He only nodded. He kept touching his arm, the one Magnus’ held last before… you know what. “You know what.” What am I doing? Why am I trying to spare you? You know what happened. “Before dying.”

That’s better. I can’t start getting soft now. Look at the mess I’m already in. Imagine if this happened every time I was out there collecting? I would tell you: world crisis. The wheel doesn’t stop, kiddo.

Neither do I.

Wait, Alexander is talking to me. What, child? I was distracted.

“Why all the things I did the other days never changed anything?”

“Oh. Well, the first night, the night that you proposed to him, was ‘the one’. That was ‘the real one’, if you prefer. After that, everything collapsed. What you did after that was completely irrelevant and wouldn’t change anything.”

“Why not? I still don’t get it.”

“Clearly.”

I was craving not only for that Coke. Earl Gray would do too.

“Because, child, once you lost him, it was settled. After that first night, you knew it, you knew what would happen, and you would be unhappy no matter what. And that was your only focus, to prevent the loss. But the fact could not be altered, no matter how many attempts or interventions you were willing to do. It was out of your hands. Once you proposed, in that first night, the only night, you sealed your destiny, my child, as much as it did to Magnus and mine.”

“Why?”

“Magnus Bane asked me to make sure you would be happy after he was gone. It was his condition, my part of the deal. I mean, not that I needed to do that, but honestly I thought this would be irrelevant at the time. So I said yes. I never imagined I would be seeing your face so frequently ever since. It's annoying sometimes; I'm busy."

"And?"

The little girl rolled her eyes and played with the tips of her fluttering black hair before starting speaking again:

"And now I need to confess you something. I don’t know what to do. That’s why you’re stuck.”

“What? What do you mean? You don’t know what to do? What the-”

“Hey, language! The point is, Alexander Lightwood, that I can only let you go on with your life once I know you’ll be happy again. If you wake up tomorrow not having Magnus Bane by your side, will you be happy? Can you honestly say yes to that question?”

“I know the answer for that, child, don’t you dare lie to me. I can read you like… a human.”

I’m so funny; I don’t know how you all put up with me.

Well, that’s because you don’t. But you’ll all meet me eventually, and we can chat for a bit if you want, and I can show you how fun I am. I know stories you wouldn't believe. Scandals. Love stories that are not in the books. Don’t believe everything you read, child. For every library, there’s another thousands and thousands of stories that never met a paper and are lost forever.

But I know them. I know everything. I was there. I saw it; I had a taste. I have all the memories, I saved and savored all the words and lamentations.

Oh, Alexander Lightwood was crying again.

You children like to cry. I’m always impressed with that. I think I never did, isn’t that interesting? There’s no point in crying; tears won’t change a thing. You all like to waste energy and time in the most stupid and useless things ever. Occasionally I forget you can be really smart. Other times I just can’t believe it.

I finally sat next to Alexander Lightwood and, uhhhh, I had an offer to him.

I was excited.

“Alexander Lightwood, you’re now in this state of the perpetual present. But I can make it all go away and fulfill Magnus Bane’s wish.”

“How?”, he asked suspiciously.

“I can make it all go away.”

“All what?”

“Magnus Bane. I can make him go away.”

“What do you mean? He’s already dead.”

“Yes. But I can take him out. Out of you. Here”, I said pointing to his head, “and here”, pointing to his heart.

“Wait. Would you… would you make me forget him? Is that it?”

“Precisely, child.”

“And how will I be happy after that?”

“It will be like you two never met. He won’t be in your life at all, and you can move on, finding someone else. Another love.”

That was tempting for a second, I knew it. Alexander Lightwood was not the first one I made this offer too. Most people said yes. Yes, let me forget, let me go numb, stop this pain, stop it, just let me pretend to be happy again, I will never know.

I’m always sad when I get a “yes”. Maybe I’m a romantic at heart, go figure, but I still hope you face it, face everything. Isn’t this the purpose of being alive? Obviously, I have no idea how it is; I can’t judge. I can’t say anything, I was never in your shoes, and you will never be in mine. You will never see the last glow, never hear the last breath of air, the last words, the regrets, the happiness, the gratitude, the expressions, the reasons, the reactions, they are as numerous as the stars in the sky. You’re always surprising, even by not being surprising at all.

I have no idea how it is to live, at least not the way you do.

I know I’m harsh on you sometimes. Maybe… maybe I’m just jealous. I’m jealous of your bravery.

I’m jealous because, unlike me, you’ll have an end, and you’ll rest.

For better or for worse, you’ll rest.

 

***

 

Alec closed his eyes and a little movie starring himself and Magnus started playing in his mind.

He remembered their first date. He recalled how Magnus called him and said it was all very nice, but he wasn’t willing to get involved with anyone. He was “just waiting” and that was it.

Waiting for what? Alec had no idea at the time.

So Alec started calling Magnus, just to talk, to see if he could charm the guy. Apparently, he wasn’t succeeding over the phone, so he asked where Magnus worked and showed up there, with coffee, at the end of the day. Alec subtly asked about his picture, in the hope Magnus would invite him to go to his place and show where the piece was. Instead, Magnus took a photo of it and sent it to Alec. Magnus was weirdly funny.

But Alec was persistent and convinced the man to go out again, for real, after a month. To a friend’s exhibition. Magnus said yes. And after a lot of convincing, yes another time, and so it went.

Until, before Magnus realized it, they were dating.

It was all difficult, because Magnus was not an open person, unlike Alec. He didn’t want to meet Alec’s sister or any family members, “not trusting them”. But Alec was patient. When he had to travel for work for two months, Magnus saw how much he missed Alec, and that was unexpected.

They had sex the first night Alec was back, and it was completely different from the previous times they did it. Alec felt that Magnus was invested for real. That gave him a new type of climax.

A week later, Alec told Magnus that he loved him.

Magnus took another month to reply to that.

But Alec waited, wondering when Magnus would open up entirely and tell what happened to him. Magnus did. He did, and he ended his sad story with “but now I love you, and everything is better. And I wanna enjoy this as long as I can.”

Alec remembered all that, the afternoon he finally introduced Magnus to his family, and how his boyfriend acted like a little-scared animal, over and over, until he started seeing them as trustworthy people, just as he saw Alec. And how he was quickly embraced by that family, now becoming his own.

Magnus never had all that. The family, the happiness, the unit. He was alone and drifting for so long, desperate and rootless, hoping some entity would end his misery for him. He would expect all this would end soon. Every morning, every sunshine, was another disappointment to him.

He had to be here. Alive. And fight for himself, alone, as always.

And Alec showed up, all happy and light, and loved, and flirtatious, and with that ridiculous blurry photography.

And something happened. Something good.

It wasn’t Alec himself. Yes, it was him, but it was all that relationship made Magnus feel and experiment for the first time. The acceptance, the safety, the unconditional... everything. Unconditional was not something he was used to. Unless unconditional pain. And now something else was flourishing inside him. Unconditional hope. Unconditional strength. Unconditional want. Want to live. A hunger that wasn’t there before.

So that’s how to be happy looks like - and feels like. That was good. It was great - to be understood and reciprocated.

Alec felt it too. He was happy with his family, sure, but what he was feeling about Magnus was something else entirely. It was fresh. He felt like he was living in one of his own pictures. It was all blurry but so alive, all movement, everything happening at once. It felt amazing. He felt invincible, he felt like he could do anything.

His love was unstoppable.

Well…

Now he knew it wasn’t. I mean, his love was the same. And maybe that was what hurt the most. Even in those days when he hated Magnus for the constant lost, days full of regret and venom and indifference, he knew all that was coming from a place of love. A place not ready to accept the end of this.

We think of life in terms of justice.

That’s clearly a mistake; he could see it now.

Looking at all he lived with Magnus… how can someone throw all that away? The first kiss? The first ‘I love you”? The conversations? The memories of Alec moving into Magnus’ place, now, “their place”, Izzy celebrating, getting drunk that night and sleeping in their bed, making them sleep in the living room.

The first time Magnus allowed Alec to take a picture of him, that shy smile that he had only for his man now framed in eternity.

It was too much to give up.

Is life worth it without all that?

Why are we alive then?

Why?

If you want a reason, that’s undoubtedly a good one.

“No”, Alec said. “I don’t wanna forget Magnus. How could I?”

Alexander Lightwood said no. I wasn’t shocked. To your surprise, I was internally proud. I never told him that, but I was. I understood why they loved each other.

“But he hurt you. Child, I-”

“No. Thank you for your offer, but I could never do that. I can’t regret meeting him, even after this outcome. I still had some of my best years with him, and I need that until the day I die.”

“The day I die”. I smiled because I know when that is, dear Alexander. But not the point, so I just replied:

“If that’s your wish”, and I got up.

“Wait”, Alexander Lightwood said, grabbing my hand.

“If I try to end this the way I was doing…”

“It won’t change anything.”

“How can I make it stop?”

“By accepting it. And being happy.”

“Happy? Are you kidding me?”

“Alexander Lightwood”, I said, my voice imposed, and for a split of a second, I wasn’t a little kid anymore, the sky was clear as the ocean, the clouds gave room for the moon to shine above us, “what you had is called grace where I came from. It was a bless. If you can’t be happy with that, you are not worthy of it. Happiness is not permanent; my child. But the memories of happy times can be.”

He let go of my hand as I spoke to him.

“But I need… I don’t know what to do.”

“You do, child. You always knew. But right now… Right now you could give me a Coke, what about that?”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

Is that the only question this boy could ask me?

“You never offer me a beverage. That is just… not polite. When I spoke to Magnus, I gave him tea and-”

“Wait. Waaaaaaaait. Wait. I’ll get you a Coke. If you do something for me.”

Oh, for The Boss’ Sake. Why are you all trying to bargain with me nowadays?

I miss the old days when I could collect and go on with my duties. But now, I needed to stop and listen to you, little creatures. And have tea and befriended some of you. And as a result, look at me. I am making deals because of a Coke.

I’m pathetic, I know.

I’m weak, after all, I’m… Well, not you. I’m not that weak.

“This Coke is better be ice cold, child. Coke first, bargain later”, I said amused.

Alexander Lightwood was exasperated.

“Wait here; I’ll be right back.”

“Pffff, child, I can unlock all doors and create all passages. I can go and stay at the same time. Right now”, and I approached the edge of the rooftop, my back to the man, “I’m here, but I’m everywhere. I’m never standing still. I’m having thousands of conversations; I’m not talking at all; I’m watching the end endlessly, repeatedly, I’m caring for them, I’m nursing them, protecting, putting them between my arms, caring all away, crossing this land, the green, the ocean, the sky, collecting everything and everyone.”

The man was in shock and silent near me.

“That means I’m coming with you”, I clarified, turning to him.

“Oh. Okay, I need to buy the Coke. Let’s go then.”

 

***

 

We were at a small convenience store near his building.

He was talking to me while approaching a refrigerator. “Is one okay? Do you want something else?”

“A chocolate bar wouldn’t hurt”, I replied.

When it was time to pay, the continued talking to me, offering different chocolate options and I couldn’t stop laughing — that kid’s laugh. The guy at the other side of the counter was looking at Alexander Lightwood in disbelief.

“Hey, buddy, are you okay?”

“Sure, thanks”, and he turned to me again, “are you sure that’s all?”

I only nodded. Alexander paid, and we left. I was laughing the whole time.

“What’s so funny?”, he asked me, annoyed.

“He must think that you were crazy, talking to no one.”

“What are you talking about? You’re with me and-”

“People only see me when they have to, child.”

“Wait, but the other day, my mom-”

“We’ll talk about Maryse Lightwood some other time, not now, child.”

He was quiet and gave me the Coke as we were approaching his place. I drank it all immediately. Ufff, that’s good. So many bubbles, the tingly sensation at my nose, the coldness. I could have that crap forever.

Fun fact: the guy that created the Coke tried to give the secrets of the formula to me in an attempt to prolong his existence. What was he expecting? That I started boiling Coke in my basement? Sometimes you’re so stupid I have no patience to deal with you.

Alexander and I walked back to his place. Inside his apartment, I ate the candy bar. Alexander was annoyed again; apparently, I had chocolate all over my face. Sorry, I get excited about these things. He grabbed a napkin and cleaned my mess with the care I still don’t know if I deserved.

He would be a great dad eventually.

“Okay, I’m ready. Tell me what you want”, I said once I was clean and presentable again.

“I want a chance to talk to him.”

“Him? Like… Who? The Boss?”

“What? Boss? No. Magnus.”

“Ohhhh. Oh. I can do that. For a small price.”

“I just gave you Coke!”

“Oh, silly child. That was not the payment. You see, I let Magnus have more time, but he paid a high price for it: immediate and painful death as soon as his wish was granted. And even being awful to watch, it was also pleasant and satisfactory. I rejoice. So, you see, it’s all about balance. You need to give to receive. That's how the Universe works if that thought pleases you.”

“And what do I need to give you?”

I knew what I wanted it. The childish smile I gave was incompatible with the weight of the words I said next:

“I’ll take five years of your remaining days.”

“What?”

“You will grant me five years of your remaining life. As a gift for my generosity.”

Sorry, but I needed to be fair.  And if that's a power I have, isn't waste not to use it?

Alexander didn’t need time to think.

“Done!”

I could taste the despair. I was like a hungry animal, and I loved it.

“Suit yourself, child.”

We shook hands, sealing the deal. Sealing a destiny.

And I snapped my fingers once again.


	15. And it all starts. Or ends

“What the hell was happening?”

Can he think that? Can he think of hell? Was he in heaven? He didn’t know. He didn’t know anything. Alec proposed to the love of his life, which lead said man to die repeatedly and Alec to be stuck in a loop. And after bargain his own life with a girl that he was almost certain it wasn't just a girl, he now had a chance to talk to Magnus again, before everything is over. 

Fuck, is this for real?

It was too much to take, right?

It’s too much. He wanted all that to stop. 

Alec was... he didn’t know where. Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around and there he was. 

Magnus. 

Now he could see everything around him as if someone opened the curtains for his senses. They were on the beach - the place was empty except for the two of them. The brightness was almost blinding the couple. Miles of sand extended in every direction you looked, except ahead, where the ocean was imperious in its movements and waves. 

It was all silent. They were hugging each other, and Alec started sobbing, everything hit him at once, like a huge wall he came across out of nowhere. Realization can be a tsunami. He held Magnus like he wouldn’t let go; like he could prevent the truth. 

What was the truth? Was all this real?

“Yes”, Magnus whispered. 

Alec let go of him, scared. 

“Now that you’re dead you can read minds?”

Alec said that without thinking. “Now that you’re dead.”

But Magnus laughed. “No, silly, I just know you. And yes, this is… some kind of real.”

Magnus looked the same. Hmmm, no. He wasn’t wearing his usual outfits, but sandals (Sandals!) and linen clothes. “Don’t worry; this is only to match the beach. It’s not a uniform or something”, and he laughed again. 

He was pretty chill, you know, considering…

“I heard you wanted to talk to me”, Magnus said.   
“Yeah, I mean…”

Yeah. What do you say in a situation like this? He said the question he wanted an answer for the most. 

“Why do you never told me?”

Magnus breathed heavily. “Alexander, walk with me.”

The sand was hard; Alec decided to be barefoot to enjoy the feeling and the small waves dying at their feet. 

Dying. Right. 

“Alexander, my love, tell me. How do you prepare someone for that?”  
“I don’t know”, he said honestly, because there is no answer for that if you think about it.   
“If you have known this, you would have never proposed to me, and I would have never known true happiness. I would have taken this from you, this chance, this chapter. I couldn’t do that. I wanted you to experiment with all the joys of love, just as I did. I wanted us to have at all.”  
“Well, that backfired real quick, because now I have nothing.”  
“That’s not true”, Magnus said looking at Alec’s face.   
“I don’t have you”, Alec replied heartbrokenly. 

The conversation was almost impossible for both of them, but Magnus was determined to do his best in Alec’s behalf. Magnus knew he would have all the time in the world to process his pain and his sorrows, to lick his wounds; that’s why now he was focused in helping Alec accepting the situation the best he could. You could call him naive, but Magnus thought this moment would be smoother somehow. Listening to Alec’s voice, seeing his face, would maybe be a moment of joy. The truth is that he had to face the consequences of his actions and choices - and that was almost unbearable to do. Seeing Alec broke like that, knowing he was responsible for it, was like dying all over again.

Death was all around. The end. The lost. The rebirth. 

But now Magnus’ first concerned was to hide his ache and agony and pretend the best he could. Pretend to be okay, and, somehow, explain his reasons to the love of his life. 

“I’m so sorry, love. I’m so sorry about all that. It was never my intention.”  
“I don’t care about your intentions, Magnus. Why did you do this to me? Who gave you the right? Do you know how cruel it is? To make me fall for you... for this? To have you dead in my arms over and over again? Why, Magnus? Why? You… I… I hate you, Magnus.”

And something broke inside Alec again; he couldn’t walk anymore. His knees hit the hard ground below him, weak, and he started crying again. Magnus tried to hold him, but Alec was in full range now, bitter, betrayed, melancholic and alone in his misery. 

Like Alec did with Magnus before, it was Magnus time to wait for Alec. And he did. He sat next to his love and waited. Waited until Alec cried all his tears and let it all out. 

The sun was still high above in the sky, hot and effervescent. No shades to protect them. They were completely exposed to themselves and their choices. Their lives. 

After a long time, Magnus tried to reach out and touch Alec; the man let him. They were holding each other; Alec was almost controlling his tears. 

They were like that for what it seemed an eternity. 

“I’m so sorry, love”, Magnus kept saying it over and over. “It wasn’t easy for me too. When I saw you at the restaurant, I was so happy, so happy, like never before in my life. And a second after that I knew what it meant. Do you have any idea how it was for me to see all that happening in front of me, your happiness, your smile, our future, knowing it was never going to happen? Knowing I would be dead just a few minutes after that?”  
“Then why did you let me go on with it? You needed to stop me.”  
“I couldn’t, Alexander. I couldn’t because I was selfish and I wanted that. I wanted all that with you. My love was louder. Louder than my wish to live, I guess. I was tired of holding back, of being afraid of that moment, of avoiding that. If I couldn’t have it all, what’s the point, right? I was selfish and weak, and I’m sorry, but I wanted it. Our happy ending. The one you and I both deserve. And you gave me that. And I’ll be forever thankful.”  
“How is that a happy ending if you’re dead? And if you had your allegedly happy ending, I… I was left with nothing. Nothing. You left me behind, Magnus, you just left me there, to deal with all that. I couldn’t prepare myself and-”  
“Alexander, we both had our fairy tale because we had each other. It’s not about the time we have; it’s about what we do with it. And life is not about happiness all the time. Leaving you behind was the hardest thing I did, and I’m sorry about the way it happened, but it was supposed to be so much sooner than that. I had an expiration date, like everything else. And I got an extension to mine, that was already a subversive thing to do, that’s not right or natural. I was gambling with the Universe, and we can’t expect to win from a situation like this. I’ve tried to do my best. I wanted to enjoy our life together, but at the same time, I was terrified that at any time you would do something that would put an end to it. And I was terrified because I wanted to have it, even knowing the outcome.”

And Alec remembered one night he talked to Izzy in the hospital, Magnus dead, and his sister was saying something about Magnus being afraid of a proposal or whatever. It made sense now. 

Alec never stopped to think about how hard it must have been for Magnus to live like that - not entirely free to enjoy love, to be loved and to love back. At the same time, a situation that forced him to love with all his strength, with all his heart, without boundaries, completely in the moment. It was what shaped their relationship and their dynamic, even without Alec’s awareness. It was what, in a way, gave him Magnus entirely. It was ‘I’m all in’ kind of relationship once Magnus accepted that was the only way he could live - and share his feelings with Alec. Alec felt that. 

We live under the impression that time is always on your side and that we have unlimited days like our clock is not moving and the sand in the hourglass is not falling. 

Magnus knew exactly what would happen to him. Like all of us. 

The difference is that, unlike most of us, he didn’t ignore it. 

Alec thought about all that and, for a split of a second, he was almost grateful for all. Well, not the outcome, but he was thankful for the fact that he had Magnus and that they shared so much. They had true love. 

“But now…”, Alec started once again, ‘I don’t know what to do. I’m not prepared to let go, to let you die, to be alone; you can’t be dead, come back to me, Magnus, can’t you do that? Can’t I come here to be with you? I’m willing to do that.”  
“Alexander”, and Alec knew that tone. And what was coming after that. “I’ll be here waiting for you, my love, I’m not going anywhere. But it’s not your time yet. You have things to do and-”  
“I don’t. I wanna be here.”  
“You can’t. You have to go back.”  
“Why? I need you”, and Alec was once again grabbing Magnus desperately, as that would allow him to stay.  
“Alexander, listen to me. Eventually, it will happen. It happens to all of us, don’t worry. But there’s something that is not granted, that’s not a certainty, and I need you to do that for me.”

Alec was drinking all of the words coming out of Magnus’ lips. Magnus, on the other hand, knew this was his decisive moment. He was experiencing all the sadness and loneliness his heart could bear, and still, he had to be strong. Strong enough to convince Alec to move on. 

“I need you to live. And I mean for real, Alexander, deeply, with no reservations, with no fear. Because we all die, but just a few of us live and I need you to be one of those, okay? I need you to be alive and happy like you were when I met you; that way I know that all you taught me about life was true. And although now it hurts more than anything, more than ever, I know time will help you, and you’ll see all those colors and movements again because those are the lens you use to see life. And people need that perspective to live on, okay?”

Alec was crying again because fuck, he couldn’t. Not right now. 

He couldn’t care less about lens and life perspective and being happy when Magnus was in his arms for the last time. 

So he only held on to his man as long as he could, crying, but then kissing, desperate, a supplication,   
“don’t leave”,   
“take me with you”,   
“don’t hurt me”,   
“love me”,   
“love me”,   
“just love me”. 

And nothing more. 

 

***

 

They were there for months. For seconds. 

It’s irrelevant. 

But all good things come to an end. And Magnus knew it was time. He just knew it. It was time to let Alec go. 

Alec was reluctant, and Magnus understood why once he knew the situation Alec was living. 

“I don’t want to go back, Magnus. I’ll just watch you die again and again, and I can’t do that anymore.”  
“Maybe… Maybe we need a new perspective, my love. Maybe you should try something different.”  
“Like what?”

And Magnus told Alec his idea. To be fair, Alec was reticent about the plan, but he promised he would try because Magnus was there and he couldn’t say no to his dead boyfriend, right?

The sun was still there, in the same position. After all the talk, the couple was laying on the sand, no clothes, enjoying the warmth of the sun and of each other. Magnus was resting his head in Alec’s chest. Alec was playing with his boyfriends’ hair. 

“We can’t stay like this, I’m getting sleepy”, Alec said trying to fight against it, but feeling his eyelids closing nevertheless. 

“Don’t worry; I’m here. Now rest, Alexander… and remember that I will always love you”, Magnus whispered back.

That was the last thing Alec heard before opening his eyes - and realize Magnus was gone.


	16. Keep it alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this special chapter (and I strongly suggest you listen to it): "Passenger", by Noah Kahan. I hope you like it.

Alec opened his eyes, he was back to the same day, but it was different. The sun was hitting his face; he knew what was about to happen. Instead of being sad, he decided to follow Magnus’ plan: “do not try to stop it; be happy for what we had. Say goodbye to me. Celebrate us and let me go”.

Alec wasn’t bitter about that because he finally understood that those endless days that he spent seeing Magnus died over and over again where also his chance of saying goodbye properly, a chance of enjoying what they had and who they were. 

Because the end is unstoppable, but it doesn’t mean it can’t be valued and cherished. 

And that was Alec’s mission that morning. Even before opening his eyes, he let reality sink in for a minute, remembering some of his favorite moments with his boyfriend. A tear ran down his face. He swiped that away and went to Magnus, sleeping next to him. 

“Morning”, Alec said trying to hide away the sadness.   
“Uhum”...  
“Hey, you gotta wake up. C’mon, you have important things to do today.”  
“No, I don’t. I rather stay here with you”, Magnus replied, trying to get closer to Alec under the covers.   
“Hey, no dirty moves. Get up to your shower.”  
“grrrrr……”

Magnus finally surrendered and went to the bathroom, while Alec was already with his cellphone in hand, waiting for Izzy to call him. 

The device rang in seconds. 

“Hey, Izzy, listen. Change of plans. I need you to help me with something.”  
“Morning to you too, Jesus, Alec. What happened? Did you give up on your proposal? It’s normal to have cold feet, but you and Magnus are a solid couple, it will be fine.”

It won’t, but he couldn’t tell her that, right?

“Yeah, I know, Izzy, but... hmmm, I had another idea, a crazy one, I need your help to do it. Please?”  
“Will this make Magnus happy?”  
“The happiest.”  
“So count me in.”

***

Magnus ran out of his office as fast as possible. He left a meeting for this, but it was an emergency. Izzy called crying, saying Alec was injured or something, and he needed to get back home ASAP, in the middle of the afternoon. 

Was Alec okay? 

He had no idea, Izzy couldn't form two coherent sentences to help Magnus understand the situation. 

When he opened the door of his apartment, breathless, the surprise hit him in the face. Alec wasn’t injured (but Izzy was crying). Alec’s family was there, their closest friends, all in the living room. In the middle of it, Alec, in a black suit, one knee on the ground, a sparkly ring in his right hand. 

Magnus dropped the suitcase he was holding, in shock. He couldn’t move; he couldn’t say a word. A small shift happened in Magnus’ face that only Alec noticed. 

“Is that a no?”  
“You haven’t asked me anything yet”, Magnus joked. 

Alec smiled, and everybody laughed.

“Do you, Magnus Bane, accept becoming my husband?”

Magnus started crying, and Alec knew all the reasons for that. 

“Yes. Always yes.”

Alec got up and kissed Magnus while hugging him. People around them were cheering and celebrating. The noise was perfect for Alec’s next move:

“Are you willing to do that right now?”, he whispered in Magnus’ ear.   
“What? Now? Hmmm… What’s the rush?”  
“Magnus, I know.”

Magnus pulled himself away from the hug. 

“You do? For how long?” 

There was no point in hiding it anymore. 

“A long time.”  
“But… How...?”  
“Well, you keep dying.”  
“What? Is this happening for…”  
“More than we deserve.”

Magnus didn’t know what to do with that information. He thought about it for a minute, then proceeded:

“So this is it. I’m gonna die tonight again.”  
“Yes.”  
“But why do I keep dying?”  
“Long story short, I couldn’t let go of you. And we were both stuck in this day, with me losing you.”

Magnus wanted to cry again, and ask for forgiveness. Alec interrupted his thoughts:

“But tonight, tonight, Magnus, it’s not about me losing you, it’s about us and the celebration of our love. It’s about another happy memory of us. I wanna us both to have it all because it’s not about the time we have; it’s about what we do with it, right?”

They both nodded. 

Izzy approached them, asking if Magnus was on board with the idea of doing the wedding on the spot instead of a flashy and big ceremony like she thought he would prefer. But he happily agreed, to her surprise. “There’s no better time than right now, Iz.”

“Okay, all of you, you know what to do. Get to your positions; we’re doing this”, Izzy screamed, organizing the whole thing. She got Jem, a friend of hers, to officiate the wedding.   
Izzy ordered Magnus to stay in their bedroom for a minute, so she could get everything ready. 

Maryse went with him. 

Magnus thought he should change his outfit, but at the same time, that seemed so irrelevant now, in the face of... all. 

He didn’t listen to Maryse talking to him. 

“What?”, he said turning around, finally realizing he wasn’t alone.   
“I asked if I can walk with you. Down the aisle. Izzy will go with Alec. Would you ’t mind if...?"  
“No! I would love it; it would be an honor.”  
“Then let’s get you two married, my dear”, and Maryse Lightwood extended her arm to Magnus Bane. 

Things were all set. 

While Magnus went out to work, Alec and Izzy spent their morning and part of the afternoon getting everything ready: letting people know, getting the rings, finding Jem, organizing some decoration, buying food and drinks. 

Alec never explained to Izzy or his mom why he needed to do this in that particular day, but in the future, both of them would always talk about the events that preceded that night as if Alec “knew what was about to happen”, which made the situation harder for them to deal with later. 

But Alec knew what he was doing. And he wanted this. He too wanted his happy ending. With Magnus. And better than just proposed, why not to get married already? No waiting, living. 

***

The song started playing, and Alec walked down the “aisle” with Izzy, who was crying more than the groom. Alec had his camera in his shoulder because he wanted to capture Magnus in that precious moment: walking with Maryse in his direction. The picture was blurry, not because of Alec’s style, but because of the tears that prevented him from seeing clearly through the lens. 

Maryse kissed Magnus in his cheek and hugged him, hugging her son next. 

“Take good care of him”, she said to Alec.   
“I already am”, her son replied. 

Magnus was a mess. 

The couple stood in front of each other, holding hands, while Jem shared a few words about love and the long life commitment they were assuming. They laugh at that part. 

They exchanged vows.  
“Thank you for giving me this ultimate joy. I’ll love until my last breath and beyond”, Magnus said.   
“I’ll love you until my remaining days and beyond”, Alec promised back.   
Rings were now in the fingers of their rightful owners. 

“You can now kiss your husband”.

Cheers were heard loud in the building as friends and family witness the beginning of the Lightwood-Bane family. 

The party continued for hours and hours. They shared the first dance, with Alec being terrible at it and Magnus loving every minute of it. They ate, they hugged, they kissed, they drank. It was the beginning and the end, the celebration and the farewell they both wanted and deserved. 

At some point, Alec held his camera in front of them. 

“Let me get a good pic of my husband”, he said proudly. The realization of everything hit him, and he was crying.  
“Alexander…”  
“Sorry. I can do this.”  
“It’s okay if it gets blurry, that’s how you like it”, Magnus tried to lighten up the mood.   
“Not this one. This one must be perfect. I wanna see us, I wanna froze this moment forever. I wanna have you with me forever, the best I can. No blur, okay?”  
“Okay, no blur.”

They were both still; before Alec pressed the button, Magnus moved and kissed him. 

“Magnus! No. Another one.”  
“No. That’s how it’s supposed to be. Blurry. Alive, remember? Keep it alive.”


	17. I recall

I walk upon this Earth, upon this land, upon your cold body. 

Corpses everywhere. 

That’s where I stand. 

Where there’s no life left. 

I’m here, at the top of this hill, this hill made of nothing, made of unfulfilled dreams and broken expectation. I always look back. Because unlike you, I remember. I remember at all. I remember the unfairness and the unworthy, the doomed and the corrupted. I recall the smell, the scream, the emptiness, the shift. 

I also remember the blessed ones. 

Even now, as I’m collecting, I still remember them. The happy ones. The ones that could see this as something bigger and better - the ones that, somehow, understood. 

I have a few favorite memories myself. We all do. You’re all my children, but even a mom has her favorite ones. I certainly do. 

I will always have many fond recollections of you. 

Now, as this story is getting to its end, I can’t help but remember the look Alexander Lightwood gave me when he saw me in the fire escape of his building that night. Magnus Bane was sleeping, too drunk to move, but Alexander was awake, nervous, waiting, alert. He was pacing in their room when he saw me and went to me. 

“That was a beautiful ceremony”, I said honestly.  
“Thank you. Hmmm… still, do you have to?”  
“Alexander Lightwood, you know-”  
“Right right right. I could try. But, can I ask for one last favor?”, and his voice was trembling.  
“You two are really something. What?”, I was annoyed.  
“Can you do this last time, I don’t know, less painful? He’s just sleeping now.”

And there was supplication in Alexander's gaze at me. 

“Oh, child”, and I frowned my face before saying yes.

But what I can say, maybe I do have a soft spot after all. 

That’s why Magnus Bane died, for the last time, of a heart attack, at 3.34 am, in his house, next to his husband, Alexander Lightwood-Bane. 

***

Overall, I didn’t take part in what happened after that with Alexander; I was busy. You know, as always. But I made him the last visit - for now - the following night. He looked different. He was surprised to see me, but you know what he had waiting for me? A Coke. 

Boy, you are finally learning, I’m proud. 

He told me his family was in shock and all those things you humans do in situations like this, I already know the drill. He asked them to be left alone that night, even with his sister insisting it was a bad idea. Maybe they all needed each other for support, Alexander told me they were all broken.   
But he also confessed to me he was expecting to see me, he didn’t know why. “Maybe you reminded me of him somehow.”

I had my Coke; it was delicious as always. 

We were in silence until I told him my time with him was over, and he could move on. 

“To what?”  
“Now it’s up to you to find out, child.”

I laid Alexander in his bed and set next to him, in a chair that I brought from the living room, where the remnants of the wedding party, still visible, withered, such a recent and remote scene. An insult to the present.

A picture was above our heads in his bedroom.   
“About life and not being alone, even when it feels like it” was the message you could read under the image. I said that out loud. 

“I don’t know if I believe that anymore”, he said to me. His eyes were swallowed, and he seemed broken. He seemed not prepared for what was about to happen. And, at the same time, he looked like he would never be as prepared as he was at that moment for the things ahead. 

“Fool child. We both know you do. Hold on to that, okay?”, and he only nodded, numb to my words. They would sink in eventually. They always do (or so I hope). 

He was under the covers now, not caring to change to something more comfortable - or less painful to look at, since he was still wearing the same clothes he did to get married. The last 24h were erratic.

But now… Now, it was time to grief; to cry and to heal. 

He closed his eyes, still feeling me next to him. I caressed his hair a little bit. A funny image: a little girl comforting a full grown man. Images can be tricky. 

My deal with both of them came to its closure, but I still can recall the last words I told him, before he opened his eyes in the morning, facing, for the first time in he doesn’t even know how long, a bed without Magnus Bane next to him: 

“Death arose  
Untouchable and pure  
Then your body lengthened  
whole on the waters.  
From your long fingers  
burst flowers  
and there were trees   
in the sun.

I slipped my arms  
on your chest without complaint  
and covered my body  
with your body of foam.

Still yesterday  
the men reaped roses  
who were born of us.”

//

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last poem you see here is also from Brazilian writer Hilda Hilst.


End file.
